It sucks when we meet someone who feels like the love of our life, only to find out he was merely a wolf in sheep’s clothing. We received everything we could ever want in a significant other and a lot of what we didn’t want, also. Other times he really was perfect after all, and it was our own actions that set the relationship aflame. Either way, the relationship has reached the end of its road. But this has happened so many times, and we’ve gotten through each and every one. What’s different about this time? Perhaps our approach. Here is how you can get over him—the right way.
1. Don’t listen to your friends who tell you to ”drink your problems away”
Although your girlfriends are undoubtedly trying to get you out of your slump (sometimes because it’s good for you, other times to simply stop hearing about it), the best advice a friend could ever give you is to just sit, cry, and heal. By going out and “drinking your problems away” you’re only prolonging the grieving process. Be hurt, take time to cry if need be, and get it out of your system. The sooner, the better.
2. Don’t feel ashamed
Buddhism teaches you to never feel ashamed of however you’re feeling at that moment. The reason why is because it’s important to concentrate on one feeling at a time. When you’re heartbroken, you only need to feel the heartbreak. When you begin to feel pathetic or naive for being so hurt or disappointed (“I should’ve seen this coming. How could I be so stupid?”), you have now added shame to your list of feelings. It’s okay to be hurt; you’re human. Allow yourself to feel your pain and heal from it properly, without adding onto the process.
3. Strengthen your self-love
“I’m gonna take off all my clothes / Look at myself in the mirror / We’re gonna have a conversation / We’re gonna heal the disconnection.” Those are lyrics from “Private Party” by India.Arie, one my favorite songs in regards to self-love.
When you’ve been with someone for so long (or, sometimes, not long at all), that person can involuntarily take a piece of you with them. Following a tumultuous heartbreak, your self-esteem is likely low. Take the time to gain back that self-love you once had. If you feel like you’ve never had it, now is the perfect time to learn how to love yourself. Accept yourself for who you are; be open and authentic with yourself about your feelings. It may sound crazy, but telling yourself how you truly feel without feeling shame allows you to understand yourself better, providing the space and opportunity for self-love to enter in.
4. Use the “30 Minute Rule”
I’m assuming you’re already using the “No Contact Rule.” (And if you’re not then you should be, for obvious reasons.) When it gets tough to not pick up the phone and dial his number, utilize the “30 Minute Rule.” A lot of times we see something on TV, hear “our song,” or an emotional wave washes over us and we feel this sudden, impulsive urge to contact him on a whim. However, the feeling may pass in 30 minutes. Wait it out; if it doesn’t pass, it’s then up to you what you think you should do next. But remember: the fastest way to get over someone is by practicing no contact.
5. Spend some time alone
The saying goes, “The quickest way to get over someone is by getting under someone else,” but this is far from the truth. By starting up any type of relationship with someone old or new, regardless of how insignificant, you are preventing yourself from healing properly. It will feel like you’re “over” your ex for a while, but the feelings will crawl from under their shell eventually. You can’t hide from pain; perhaps the most courageous thing you could ever do is face your feelings head on.
6. Seek clarity within yourself, not closure from him
I’m not entirely convinced that one can ever find real closure, especially when the relationship ended in lying or cheating and you can’t believe anything that comes out of your ex’s mouth. In this case, as well as some others, it’s best to seek clarity within yourself.
Understand that whatever happened in your relationship—regardless of who was at fault—happened because it was supposed to. And perhaps it needed to in order to either better you as a person or to make room for a better guy. Accept everything that happened, learn to forgive, and move on with your life. Remind yourself that no matter what he tells you, it will never be what makes it all go away. Always stay true to yourself first and you’ll be on a healthy road to emotional recovery.