https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTH71AAxXmM
When I was in grade twelve, I took a trip to Europe with my school and a smaller school in the city nearby. They joined our larger group and together, we all became friends and made amazing memories . One of my best friends was someone I met from that trip, and another was a crush of mine who didn’t leave my mind for a year. The crush was significant. Not because it was someone I met through a trip, not because the person and I shared some sort of secret affair. The person never knew I liked them. I barely spoke to this person. It was significant because she was a girl that somehow managed to make my palms sweat, my mouth go dry, and my heart pound uncontrollably in my chest.
Just having her around made me so distracted. I would get so captivated by how beautiful she was. I have a tendency to admire the way people look. However, when I see a beautiful woman, I would usually just feel like I wanted to look more like that person. With this girl, it was an uncontrollable, shameful attraction that I had to keep buried inside of me to avoid scaring her, scaring my friends, scaring my teacher, and potentially ruining my self image.
Throughout the trip, I wondered what was wrong with me. I considered that maybe I was sick, or maybe she reminded me of a guy I had used to like. But it was neither, because I had only ever liked three boys in my entire eighteen years of life at that point. I tried to distract myself when I would sit beside her at dinner, or have to walk with her down the streets of Rome.
I realized that this was more than just me being silly and instead infatuation, when she sat beside me on the bus and tried to speak to me. I was so nervous, I could barely speak. I worried afterwards about her thinking I was rude, but I was blunt because I could barely look at her without my face feeling of burning red. My heart raced in my chest. I was ashamed of my feelings, and told myself how disgusting I had become.
Looking back on it all now, I feel bad that I had to suppress these emotions and blame myself for how I was feeling. She was not the only girl who has crossed my mind or interest in my lifetime. What was significant about her was that she made me notice that I was open to liking women as well.
Although I didn’t “fall in love with a girl”, I did fall in love with the idea that it is okay to be deviant from the norm. It is also okay to be worried about being judged, but ultimately, it is important to love yourself and accept who you truly are. Whether that means falling in love with a girl, falling in love with a boy, falling in love with someone who is non-binary or any other member of the LGBTQ+ community. It’s an aspect of myself that I shouldn’t consider abnormal or undesirable, but just a small element that makes me, me.