Spring Break is over and summer is quickly approaching. That means endless pool days, stark tan lines, and giant margs on the beach. It sounds like heaven but summer can be tough on a girl’s body. It means trying to fit into my favorite bikini from last year, enduring the twinge of a bad sunburn, and recovering from a wild night of drinking.
In preparation, I’m working hard at the gym and trying out all-natural sunscreens. As for the drinking, I’ve made myself some promises I won’t keep. Promises like, “I won’t drink too much. I know my limits. I’ll be kind to my body this summer.” Well intentioned, yes, but it’s all a lie.
Don’t get me wrong, alcoholism is not a joke. Drinking excessively can really screw up your body. I could give you a well intentioned lecture but you’ve already heard it all before and you wouldn’t take my advice anyway.
So I figured a little D.I.Y./investigative journalism would drive the point home. At some point, we’re all going to drink a little too much. The best advice I can give you is how to deal with this stupid thing you’re inevitably going to do.
But first, I had to get tanked, toasted, schnockered, wasted, and slam dunk drunk.
Here’s how the evening went:
1. Liquor store: bought Jose Cuervo Lite Margarita Mix and Camarena Silver Tequila. The “lite” margarita mix tasted like watered down margarita mix and cheap liquor is never a good idea. Worst decision of the evening.
2. Chick-fil-a: smashed a chicken sandwich and a side of fries. Best decision of the evening.
3. Margarita number 1
4. Margarita number 2
5. Margarita number 3
6. Margarita number 4
7. Margarita number 5
8. Margarita numb- I’m hurling into my friend’s toilet as she kindly offers to hold my hair back.
9. She’s trying to get me to drink Pedialyte because it has magical hydration powers, and I’m complaining about the taste.
10. The Uber is here, I ride home with a paper bag wrapped around my face.
11. I vomit in the parking lot and cry to my Uber driver, begging her not to think I’m a terrible person. She rubs my back as I continue to vomit.
I wake up at 6 a.m. and realize I’ve made a terrible mistake and this article probably isn’t worth it. My clothes are on the floor in a trail from the door to my bed. I can’t stomach the thought of salt and limes so the drink more alcohol cure was not happening.
I felt absolutely horrible. I could barely sit up straight, my stomach was rolling, and I had a splitting headache. Light, pouring in through my white curtains, was actually painful. There were text messages on my phone that I shouldn’t have sent. I couldn’t imagine leaving my bedroom that day. So I didn’t.
Here’s how I dealt with my stupid decision and how you can survive the margarita hangover:
1. Clean up
If you’re like me and you fell asleep with your hand inside the toilet and your face resting peacefully on the seat, you need to clean yourself. Wash your face, thoroughly wash your hands, brush your teeth, pull your hair back, and change your shirt. Crawl back into bed.
2. Netflix
Turn on your favorite show and just let it run. Don’t try to move. Don’t resist. Your bed is your only refuge. If you have work or school, skip to number 3 or just don’t get trashed the night before you have responsibilities.
3. Hydrate
Hydration is key. Force a few cups of water, Gatorade, or Pedialyte down your throat before crawling right back into bed.
4. Saltines
Eat something. Even if it’s just tiny crackers because that’s the only thing you won’t immediately hurl.
5. Ibuprofen
Don’t take this on an empty stomach but as soon as you can ingest some form of food, take the recommended dose.
6. If you have a dependency, satisfy it.
Mine is coffee; I am dependent on caffeine. If you’re an energy drink kind of person, get one. Withdrawals will only make your hangover worse.
7. Real food
I ate chili and it was the most gratifying hangover meal I’ve ever had. If you can’t stomach greasy food, keep chewing those crackers.
8. A long, hot shower
When I wasn’t dizzy anymore (no fall risks in my bathtub), I stepped into the heaven that is a rejuvenating shower. This was the moment I returned to normal.
This is my best advice: Sleep in, take it easy, and try not to do this very often. It’s never any fun to drink so much that your stomach literally rejects its contents. And there’s no real cure but time.