So you’re having trouble making friends in college. Welcome to the club. You came here thinking that you’d make a ton of friends and college would be the best time of your life but… you just fished a Cheeto out of your bra and ate it. Unless you’re a ridiculously charismatic person, it can be difficult to make meaningful relationships with those around you. If this is true for you, here’s why:
1. You aren’t being friendly enough.
Do you identify with the words jerk, pessimist, or drama queen? If you do, then you’re friend-less because no one wants to include you in their lives. Making friends requires a friendly attitude. While some people respond positively to being greeted with a “Hey, bitch,” you’ll find that this method of salutation is typically considered rude. People want positive and kind friends in their lives. If you’re having trouble making friends, evaluate your attitude first.
2. You’re entirely too friendly.
People don’t trust overly-friendly people. They’re too eager, too into the friendship, or too willing to give their friendship away. It causes the relationship to feel hollow. Also, and this is extremely important, there’s a fine line between friendly and creepy. When you start to force your friendship on someone… well, you should already understand that’s bad news. Don’t force it.
3. You’re physically unavailable.
How do you expect to make friends if you spend 99% of your time tucked away in your dorm room? Get out! Go do things! Invite your neighbor on your next Taco Bell run.
4. You’re emotionally unavailable.
Friendship is all about sharing experiences and supporting each other. If you don’t make an effort to listen, to support, and to be present with a friend, they won’t bother with you. Without that emotional availability, the relationship is shallow and no one wants a shallow friendship.
5. You’re always focused on your cell phone.
How many elevator rides have you shared with a fellow student? How many elevator rides have you spent pretending to be busy on your phone? Listen, my friend Collin met his girlfriend, Lindsie, on an elevator in Presidents Hall. Instead of tweeting about the hot girl he was standing next to, he actually spoke to her. And now they’re happily dating. If you want to be like Collin and Lindsie, look up from your cellular device and interact with the people around you.
6. You’re looking in all the wrong places.
You could find friends in your classes but they only last for a semester; you could find friends in your dorm but you don’t have much in common. The quickest way to make friends is to get involved with something you’re passionate about. If you volunteer for a charity, join an organization (like Her Campus!), or take surfing lessons, then you know the other people there share an interest with you. It’s an immediate conversation starter, and you’re guaranteed to see them again.
7. You expect too much.
Friendship takes time and patience. You aren’t going to be snuggled up in pajamas binge watching Sex and the City after a week of knowing each other. Be patient, build a friendship like you’d build a house: from the ground, up.
Please, don’t expect them to bare your cross. If you do, you’re just looking for disappointment. While friends are supposed to support and care for each other, it is not your friend’s job to carry all of your suffering. Keep in mind that they have their own troubles and the added weight of yours may push them away. If you’re struggling, speak with a professional counselor or therapist.