Ah, social media: the driving force behind most of our generation’s behavior. (If you went apple picking and didn’t Instagram it, did you really go apple picking? I wore this dress last night but didn’t take pictures, so I can wear it again tomorrow night, right?) Though social media does bring many beautiful things into our lives, such as the ability to stalk our ex-boyfriend’s every waking move since that rough break up (I swear it was mutual), or the access to his new girlfriend’s oldest/ugliest selfies (a.k.a. “back-stalking”), it tends to cause just as many problems.
Whether these problems are issues of internal shame and embarrassment, or dilemmas resulting from an accidental click of the wrong Like button, each of us can agree on one thing: we’re all playing this game together. So, let us unite and talk about our social media triumphs and tribulations, whether or not we choose to outwardly admit them…
The Game that Started it All: Facebook
Log onto Facebook. Check notifications. 26 likes on the new profile picture—score. Type his name into the search bar. No don’t—I’m a stalker. Wait, I don’t care. Accidentally type his name into the status bar. Your status is now his name. Um, your status is literally now his name. **HIDE FROM TIMELINE**. Let go of any last shred of dignity and try again. Quadruple check that you are typing his name into the search bar now and NOT the status bar. Mission accomplished. Any new tagged pictures? Yes. With a girl. Click on her. A million emotional statuses. Song lyrics everywhere. Ew. Oh, that girl is sitting behind me in class right now. Awkward. Ugh, he hates me. Now she hates me too. Look down at iPhone. Realize you have his Facebook open on there, too. Go ahead and close that.
Look back up at computer. Wait, who’s this? (click cute boys name). Stalk his profile pictures first, to see what he looks like when he’s trying. Stalk his tagged pictures next, to get to the good stuff. Realize you have a mutual friend with him from that vacation you took junior year of high school. Stalk that mutual friend to find out how they know each other. Okay, they know each other from camp.
Realize you have gained NOTHING from this meaningless investigation. Keep this useless info in your brain until it magically becomes useful, which will most likely be…never.
The Next Best Game: Instagram
Scroll through your main feed. Notice that girl who dated that guy you “Liked” one of your friends’ pictures. Click on her. Tread LIGHTLY through her Instagram photos, as to not “Like” any of them. AGH. YOU LIKED ONE. **PANIC** How do I get rid of this? Momentarily forget how to use Instagram. Calm down and realize all you have to do is click the Like button again.
Okay, I am never doing this ever again. Too dangerous.
Happen upon this same person the next day on Instagram, and repeat the sequence all over.