The time for chivalry came and went. It’s over. Some will tell you that feminism was the undoing of chivalry, and if that’s true I’m proud to be a feminist. That’s right, chivalry is dead and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve always detested the modern usage of the word, and I’m sure most people who speak of “chivalry” don’t quite understand the origins of the word. In the Middle Ages − yes, you read that correctly: the Middle Ages – the chivalric code was a code of conduct for knights indicating superior moral, social, and religious standards. Such an antiquated belief system belongs in the past, and that’s exactly where we should leave it. To me, the idea of men being chivalrous is just as outdated as the implication that women should be “barefoot and pregnant.” So when I hear women – sometimes my friends – complaining that, “Chivalry is dead” as if that’s a bad thing, I’m always amazed and concerned.
The entire notion of chivalry is predicated on two essential (and equally offensive) ideas: 1) men should literally be valiant knights, willing to risk life and limb to “save” women and 2) women are incapable of taking care of ourselves – we’re damsels in distress. Offended yet? Well you should be! If you’re anything like me, you’ve never been a damsel in distress and the only thing you’ve ever needed to be saved from was Finals Week (where are the knights when we need them?). Now, I won’t pretend that I always turn down a man’s offer to help me with some task on feminist principles alone. That’s not my intention. In fact, my personal beliefs on chivalry have recently forced me to think more critically about my feminism.
Lately, I’ve been wrestling with my desire to be treated as an equal to my male counterparts, while also expecting guys to be “gentlemen.” Whether or not you believe in chivalry, I think one thing all women can agree on is that we still expect men to be gentlemen, and treat us accordingly. I suppose whether or not that expectation is met, depends on the guy and your definition of the word gentleman. I have no qualms about admitting that I have always held such an expectation of men. Perhaps it’s a belief that my parents instilled in me from a young age – if a guy isn’t willing to treat me the way that I “deserve” to be treated, he isn’t the guy for me. Now, that doesn’t mean that I want flowers or expensive gifts from the guys in my life, it simply means that I expect the respect that I give to be reciprocated.
Furthermore, the concept of a gentleman differs from the idea of chivalry. In my opinion, a chivalrous man is expected to make sacrifices for women because we’re women (and because, you know, boobs get in the way of life). While a gentleman is respectful and considerate and courteous to all. However, I’ve recently begun to wonder if there is a way to reconcile my personal beliefs on chivalry and gentlemen with my feminism. Is it fair for me to hold the guys that I meet (and allow into my life) to such a standard? And if not, am I misandric? What of the title “feminist” that I proudly claim? Am I hurting the movement every time my heart flutters when a guy holds a door open for me? Or should I refuse his offer the next time a man offers me his seat on a crowded bus?
After much consideration, I have concluded that expecting a person to treat you with kindness is a fair assumption to make. Expecting respect doesn’t make me a bad person or anti-feminist, it makes me human. The equation is simple: if I’m respectful of you, you should be respectful of me. It’s a natural, human impulse to expect respect and consideration − and even love – from others, and that’s not something of which you should be ashamed.