“Hi, how are you?”
I fall for it every time. I’m good, thanks! How about you…? And they’re already gone. Alright then.
Photo by Mauro Mora
I’m that person that, when asked how I am, wants to take more than half a second to formulate a genuine response, and then actually listen to how the other person is, but the majority of the time I feel as if people don’t really care. Often, I automatically respond with the habitual “Good, how are you,” and then the person is gone with barely a reciprocal “Fine, thanks.” My next thought is often “Am I actually good.” Sometimes I’m not, and I feel like a fraud for saying otherwise, or I fall into contemplating the topic of this article exactly. I am perpetuating this false pretense of concern and care. Sometimes I am good, and I give myself an internal nod of acknowledgement that my response was truthful. It’s sort of like a self check-in. Does my current state actually correspond to the response I just gave?
“How are you” has become more of a statement, a synonym for “Hello” rather than an open question aimed at listening to another human about how they’re feeling or what they might be going through.
I wish we put more intention behind the simple question “How are you,” because sometimes people are waiting for it and really want to share. Whether it’s bursting to tell a friend about the test you aced or contest you won, or the weight of a troubled relationship or scrambled brain chemicals, sometimes we just need to talk to someone. If you’re like me, you might find it hard to open up sometimes and need to be asked. I’ve talked to other people who are the same way. We don’t offer up information about ourselves so readily (side note: this is definitely a skill everyone should have, though–being able to go to someone when they need help or consolation or advice; no one should go through troubles alone).
Photo by José Martin
I’ve gotten into the habit where, if I am with a friend, and not just passing by, I pose a double question. There is the initial “How are you” and “Good,” but I try to make sure I follow up with “How are you really.” It’s a little scary that a question inquiring about someone’s well being has lost so much meaning that the responses cater to the surface-level nature as well; we expect to give a shallow response, mostly devoid of intentionality and meaning.
I wonder if these mindless call and responses are rooted in the taboo nature of sorrow and other negative emotions. People typically do not like to cry in public or broadcast their struggles or seem weak. Emotion, however, is not weak. No one is happy one hundred percent of the time, yet sadness can make some people uncomfortable. They don’t know how to respond, or they don’t want to deal with it. Whatever the reason, I wonder if our desire to maintain a happy facade or stable demeanor translate into our programmed responses.
It’s a difficult habit to break, and one I think I will struggle with for a while, but I try to greet people with a simple, one-way comment if we are merely passing by with no time to stop (such as on the way to class): “Hey [insert person’s name here]!” It is open enough for a return salutation, but there is no ingenuine request for an ingenuine answer. I also try to use names, because it’s more personal, sincere, considerate, and people respond more when they hear their own names being used.
I often catch myself only after I’ve issued one of these internalized, automatic greetings and/or responses. Worse, however, is when I’m very aware of my words but am simply so tired or rushed or distracted that I only make room for a few simple, hollow words. I have to remind myself, then, that a minute from my day will not hurt. Five minutes won’t hurt. Even if I’m late to or miss something, it is well worth it to make someone feel noticed and cared for, to listen and engage, to make meaningful connections. It is these quick, everyday moments that accumulate and comprise vital memories and relationships.
Photo by GoaShape
Mindlessly greeting someone is a practice that is deeply ingrained in society and American culture, so it cannot change overnight. I hope, however, that people, myself included, can be more aware and attempt to be mindful of their inquiries and responses and listen to people. We all just want to be acknowledged.
Thumbnail Photo via Ingo Joseph