It was time to stop pretending I was someone that I wasn’t.
I still remember that night that I decided to go against one of the many things that I had always been told not to do. Those few drinks of alcohol and me coming home to my parents waiting for me late at night turned into a discussion that I could have never been prepared for. The anger and despair overtook me. I broke down completely to them and opened up in a way that I hadn’t before, only hoping that they would somewhat understand. I remember the tears, and the disappointment in their faces, and I don’t think that I will be the first to admit that there is truly nothing worse than the feeling of disappointing your parents.
Let’s rewind. I was raised in a LDS family and always been surrounded by the Mormon community. I moved to Utah from California when I was quite young, but quickly recognized the difference of the religious community here. I have nothing but respect and love for all who I have been surrounded by and the people who made me the woman I am today, but their passion for the church was something that I did not feel. I was never fully invested with the Mormon Church, in fact, I dreaded church. I begged my parents to let me stay home every Sunday. I was forced to go to the Young Women’s meetings each week. And I think my parents realized my disinterest fairly early. I only really went because that is where my friends were.
In high school, I began to make new friends and branch away from my elementary and junior high friend group. I felt like I had to be “perfect” when I was with these friends. I wanted to experience life in the way that I wanted, so I made new friends with girls who fit the lifestyle I desired. They loved me for who I was. They assured me that no matter what I did, they would not judge me. And no- I’m not saying I was experimenting with drugs or anything and that they were okay with it. But, you get the point.
Now, fast forward to college. I was thrilled to really begin fresh. The thought of starting new and creating a new life for myself was exciting. Getting away from my hometown friends and family was extremely sad, but I was eager to go somewhere where I could be my own person. This was going to be a big change for me. I joined a sorority and quickly found friends that I knew would be my lifelong friends. I learned so much from them. I learned that it’s okay to have your own opinions and make your own decisions. It’s okay to be yourself. And no- these girls were not Mormon and had never been involved with the LDS church. They did have questions for me about the church, and did have some negative perceptions of the church. This was different for me. I had a hard time at first, since my family was still very into the church. I didn’t want to bash on them and what they believed. The LDS church was still something that I was a part of for the majority of my life, but I reminded myself not to get offended. Not everyone in this world has the same views as my family, and that is just fine.
Having to come to terms with the fact that I may not share the same Mormon beliefs that my parents did was hard. I had to remind myself that they wouldn’t love me any less and I knew that it was for the best. Just because I did not have the same lifestyle as them wouldn’t mean that they would disown me, although it sure felt like it at the time. My friends constantly assured me that they would come around, and everything would be okay. I didn’t want to have to sneak around anymore and keep things from them. My parents were my best friends, and I hated feeling like I was lying to the people who had given me so much.
I struggled for some time about how to tell my parents what was going on in my mind. It was not easy but I knew that I had to do it sooner than later. The discussion was tough on me. It came with many tears of sadness, but was followed by tears of happiness and relief. They often asked why and how I came to feel this way. I told them that it was for the best and I did not want to pretend to be someone I wasn’t anymore. The anger and disappoint passed after some time and we soon were back to normal. I still confided in my parents, and I truly believe that this confession brought us closer than we had ever been before.
I won’t be the first to tell you that you find your true self in college. It is the best and the worst of times. College is hard on you. You will have your highest of highs, and go through your lowest of lows. You realize what you want for yourself and where you want to be in your future. You find your best friends, maybe even your soul mate. I have found myself. And no- it may not align with what my parents had in mind for me. Going through that disappointment is worth it in the end when you realize that you aren’t lying to yourself anymore. I finally came to terms with the fact that yes, I may not be Mormon, but I am still their daughter and they will support me no matter what I choose for myself. I know here in the state of Utah especially, I am not the only one in this position. I hope that others that are in my once same position are strong and have the courage to do the same thing I did and love themselves; no matter what they believe. It may take time, but it will be the best feeling.