I am rather obsessed with the idea of two people falling out of love—that one day, a person can be the epicenter of your life, and the next be but a memory. While the friendship and family bonds part of the word “love” always seemed natural to me, something about romantic love seemed to go against the grain. To be in love appeared to be the most thoughtless, illogical act one could ever participate in, but nonetheless, a “soulmate” was the most coveted person in the lives of people all around me. Why did we all want to be love? And why were we all falling out of it?
In turn, deep in my confusion about “other halves,” I decided to ask someone, anyone, to make sense of the word love and give it a concrete definition. And as you might expect, everyone’s answers seemed to be different. Some said that love was “creating a safe space with another person.” Others said that love was “caring for someone more than yourself.” However, most often, these definitions included the word “unconditional.” I read time and time again, how loving someone was an “unconditional commitment,” and was “caring and accepting someone for who they are unconditionally.” And these answers were irrefutably comforting, and in my eyes, completely sensible as well.
All our lives we have been told that when we get married, it is a commitment and a love that will last forever. We are advised that we when we pick a spouse we understand the magnitude of our decision, and give our life partners the loyalty and devotion they deserve. And following, we convince ourselves that love is unfailing. We idolize the concept of eternal admiration, and then, so ironically, we fall out love and leave the people we “adore.”
So how do we make sense of this? How do we define love as unconditional, while simultaneously breaking up, and moving on from our loved ones? And if love is, in fact, everlasting, when we break up with our significant others, did we never love them at all? Or, on the contrary, will we inevitably always love them?
I, personally, am a firm believer in the latter—that ceasing to love someone is completely nonsensical. If to love is to care for someone, value them as an individual, and attend to their needs, then how could we ever be okay with falling out love? How could we possibly be satisfied with the notion that we can simply wake up one morning and stop caring about a person, about their wants, their dreams, their aspirations, and their biggest fears? And while I understand that marriages fall apart, couples break up, and people stop feeling the passion that brought them together, do we really ever fall out of love with the ghosts of our past?
Though I have no intention of getting back together with the “exes” of my romantic history, that doesn’t mean part of me won’t still always love them. I still love the people that they are, and if needed, would still do anything for them. Because from my point of view, love IS unconditional, even though passion and romance are not. So with that, just because we aren’t planning a future together, or making out on our parents’ couches anymore, does not mean that love and compassion no longer exists between us. And for those of who scoffing at the mere possibility that you might still love your ex, I am here to tell you, that when it comes to love: either you always will, or you never did.