Having been born and raised in the Salt Lake Valley, I know what life in Utah is like. I also know how Utahns react when they experience life outside of Utah. Below is a list of the top things said by us SLCers when we leave our beloved state.
1. Where are the mountains?
Even at the age of five these were the first words out of my lips as soon as I stepped off the plane in Texas. Utahns are so accustomed to the rugged and beautiful landscape surrounding the Salt Lake Valley that most anywhere else looks naked and scary bare. Not to mention the mountains serve as our main source of entertainment. What are we supposed to do without our mountains?
2. How do you know where this street is?
How are we supposed to know where anything is without the south? Or perhaps the west? The SLC grid system is extremely rare and EXTREMELY USEFUL. When in Utah we can literally navigate anywhere with the address we are given alone, no technology necessary. While the majority of Utahns understand it, they probably couldn’t explain it very well to any out-of-staters. But the grid system is a double edged sword, for as soon as we’re out of it, we have no idea how to get anywhere. Thank god for built in GPS on our smart phones.
3.Which direction is North? South? East? West?
Ask anyone in SLC which way North is and they’ll use the Wasatch and Oquirrh Mountains to point you towards Canada. You get a native Utahn into flat lands and they won’t know up from down. “Now which way is Canada again?”
4. Where are all the churches?
Because not only is our entire grid system I mentioned centered around the SLC Temple, just about every other street in Utah has a church on it. Yes, these also help us with directions.
5. Oh look missionaries! I bet they’re from Utah.
Always nice to see a friendly face am I right?
6.Where do you guys go hiking?
Bringing it right back to our mountains, this is a serious concern.
7.This is a hill, not a mountain.
People back east actually coin there hills as mountains. They are not mountains. They are hills.
8.It’s the middle of winter, why does no one have goggle tans?
While you’re searching for that half-face tan, everybody else is looking at yours thinking, “wow, she sure does not know how to put on makeup.” Own it.
9. Oh my god, you can buy actual beer at the grocery store.
This is a big one guys. You can actually purchase beer and wine with a content above 5% in grocery stores, gas stations, etc. It’s true, you’re not in Utah anymore.
10. Where are all the Subaru’s?
In SLC you can probably count over 10 passing Subarus at one stoplight. Turns out, we are the only ones who are so obsessed with this midsize compact vehicle.
11. What is thing you call humidity?
“Oh my god I can feel the air. It’s sticking to me EVERYWHERE.” Utah’s arid climate leaves us clueless and absolutely defenseless to the struggles of humidity. On the real though, most every Utahn hates humidity, myself very much included.
12. Where is the fry sauce?
Turns out we invented this shit. What innovative people we are. Too bad no where else is hopping on our fry sauce band wagon, meaning we’ll just have to make our own.
13. Wow. People actually use their turn signal?
Turns out *pun intended* turn signals are not the stuff of myths. Every car has one, and they were made to be used. Who knew?
14. Seriously how do you know which direction is which without mountains?
I don’t get it.
15. So where are the national parks?
I mean we’ve got five, so where are yours? *insert smug smile here*
16. Where’s the nearest TRAX station?
In Utah.
17. You can buy fireworks off the street here?!
We actually already knew this. That’s why you see so many of us making a casual one day road trip to the Wyoming boarder.
18. I’m going to buy so many lottery tickets.
With no lotto in Utah, it’s a sure thing us SLCers will be investing some doe into other states gambling shenanigans.
19.Why isn’t everything closed? It’s Sunday.
I guess Sunday Funday is a thing everywhere else, am I right?
So next time you’re on vacation, should you catch yourself saying any of these phrases, you know you’re a true Utahn.