All my life, I have been known as “the shy girl.” Instead of yearbooks filled with inside jokes and nicknames, mine were always sparsely lined with “I don’t know you very well, but you seem cool,” or the dreaded celebrity-style autograph, as if a simple “have a great summer” was a far too personal gesture.
My silence was often mistaken for hostility, and most people thought I was either rude or incredibly serious and boring. I had all of two friends and lived my days quietly and invisibly, silently wishing that someone would see me for who I really was.
These days, I’ve become much more comfortable in who I am, but I have by no means escaped shyness—if it’s even something you can escape. Whenever I’m forced into a group project or a class in which active discussion is a huge chunk of the final grade, I almost immediately retreat into myself.
‘What if I’m wrong?’ ‘Do they think I’m a freak?’ ‘Ugh, why did I say that?’ With these kinds of thoughts dancing around my brain on a regular basis, getting myself to open up can be like pulling teeth. And if it isn’t hard enough fighting against your own quiet nature, you also have to deal with sideways glances and patronizing grins from people who don’t understand.
In honor of shy girls like me who may be feeling misunderstood, here are a few things us soft-spoken women wish you knew.
Being shy doesn’t mean we want to be alone.
Just because we’re shy doesn’t mean that we don’t want to be around other people, we’re just too shy to ask them to hang out. I love hanging out with friends and family and going to concerts and movies and festivals. I may not be the loudest person there, but that doesn’t mean I’m not having a good time.
We don’t hate you.
When you try to start a conversation with us, we might be a little awkward or standoffish, but that doesn’t mean we don’t like you. We’re trying, but it’s hard. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met someone really cool that I’ve wanted to be friends with, but I completely scared them off in the first conversation, either by my short, blunt answers, or inability to keep the conversation going. I don’t hate you; I’m shy.
We’re completely different around people that we know.
When I hang out with someone for the first time, I’ll be shy at first, but once I’m more comfortable, you can’t get me to shut up. There have been so many times that I’ve been hanging out with close friends and they’ll invite someone over who I don’t really know, and by the end of the night that person will turn to me and say, “You’re actually really cool.” My school personality vs. my home personality is like day and night. Shy girls aren’t shy all of the time.
Being shy isn’t something we can fix.
Yes, we can do things that push us out of our comfort zones, but that doesn’t fundamentally change who we are. Shyness is a part of our nature and personality in the same way that being outgoing is for others. Don’t complain about our shyness, don’t put us on the spot, and don’t expect something to be less uncomfortable for us just because we’ve done it once. New situations and new people will still make us close up a little, so be patient and let us adjust.
You influence us more than you know.
Being shy doesn’t mean I don’t care what you think of me; in fact, I probably care about what you think more than anyone else does. Little “jokes” about us in class, whispers, and criticism—those sink deeper than you’d think. I still feel hurt by comments people made about me all the way back in elementary school. Growing up, I was so scared of what other people thought of me that I would hold myself back from things I wanted to do just because I was scared of being seen. If someone had encouraged me to participate and be myself, that would have taken away so much worry and regret. Be careful with what you say and do. If you have the opportunity to encourage a shy girl, take it.
Being shy isn’t a problem—it’s just another disposition. I wish I could go back and tell my younger shy self that there’s nothing wrong with her and that there is a light at the end of those autograph-filled yearbooks and awkward encounters. Had there been people there for me back then who understood my shyness and how to work around it, I would have experienced a lot less loneliness and anxiety. Shy girls might not say that we care, but we’re just as human as everyone else is. If you know a shy girl, don’t be afraid to reach out; sometimes all we need is to know that somebody sees us.