Women seem to have a notorious reputation for having less-orgasms than men. Either we’ve experienced it firsthand, heard about it from our friends, or read about on Cosmo. Despite my fair share of sex gossip sessions over coffee, it was only when I read the article “Hooking Up,” that the issue of the female orgasm truly sparked my interest. Paula England, the writer of the article, caught my attention immediately when she presented a rather amusing bar chart on orgasms. Though I never thought in my college career I would be reading about sexual pleasure for homework, I was immediately captivated.
In the article, the author, England, surveys 4,000 different undergraduate students about their hookups. The findings presented that of all hookups, regardless of sexual activity (hand stimulation, oral sex, etc.) 44% of males orgasm, while only 19% of females did. No matter what the sexual activity was, men always scored higher in the orgasm game. But I am not here to scold lazy lovers for failing to get their female partners off, even if the scolding may be deserved. I instead, am here to analyze one particular line of this article: “Women’s lesser rate of orgasm doesn’t translate into lower reported satisfaction on average.” Women were still satisfied with their sexual encounters whether or not they got off—and then I wondered, could men still consider sex “successful” if they didn’t orgasm?
Shamefully, I always looked at men as simply seeking orgasm and if they didn’t finish, it would be the subject of their next sh*t talking session with their “bros.” But I wasn’t going to be one to form opinions that I didn’t have research behind. In my pursuit of answers, I surveyed four different men, from four different sexual backgrounds, with four completely different sex lives and asked the million-dollar question: would you consider a sexual experience successful and satisfying without an orgasm? Three of the four surveyed answered, “yes,” that the success of their sex was not dependent on whether or not they finished. Sex was sex. However, the fourth person in question put greater importance on orgasm. If he was unable to climax, he considered the event embarrassing, as if ability to finish was a reflection of his masculinity. Otherwise, the surveyed men as a whole still ranked the experience as pleasurable, with or without an orgasm. Though I am aware that my sample is a small one, and that there are plenty men (and women) out there who only value sex on the size of the orgasm, it was reassuring to me to see that my accusations of men’s values in the bedroom, were not 100% correct.
Gender aside, instead of making sex a race to the “finish” line, perhaps we should all put more focus on journey rather than the destination. After all, when I asked these men what defined good sex, the majority had said things like “spontaneous sex,” sex with “someone they loved,” teasing, and the satisfaction of their partner. Sure, everybody loves orgasms. But are orgasms what define good sex? In my humble opinion, looking at sex only terms of climaxing is somewhat animalistic. If “getting off” is the name of the game, our partners are merely sex instruments rather than people we have a genuine connection with–it is called making love for a reason.
But you are probably asking yourself, why would you ever take sex advice from a random stranger, especially advice suggesting that you put less emphasis on the grand finale, the Big-O, the main event? Though I am no sex guru, I firmly believe that the difference between making love and f**ing is the attention dedicated to getting off. In the casual one-night-stand, it is quite literally a get in, get out situation. Few people would bother to learn their partner’s body, their turn-on’s, turn-off’s, fantasies, etc. before making their dash for the door and their walk of shame. “F**ing” could be simply defined by the scratching of a sexual urge. Yet on the opposite end of the spectrum, making love is about a sexual experience and pure intimacy. And in these committed sexual relationships, the success cannot be gauged by orgasm quite like it can in these one-night stand scenarios. Instead a healthy sex life in relationships is often defined by things much bigger than the Big-O. And when we take the time to put things like emotional connections and intimacy before simply getting off, the result may be even better orgasms.
I am in no way trying to convince you that every sexual encounter is one with love behind it, or that recreational sex is some detriment to society. But if we are with a partner whom we care about, I believe that the success of a couple’s sex life is not fully dependent on mind-blowing orgasms, though it doesn’t hurt. Instead, I believe that great sex is attained when we stop to appreciate the anticipation, the spontaneity the foreplay, rather than be consumed by our own selfish need for orgasm. Women and men alike should take the time to recognize what’s really important under the sheets.