There are some things you just don’t want to have to be good at — cutting gum out of your hair, driving to the emergency room, convincing your mom not to dye her hair blue — while I luckily haven’t mastered any of those things, I have had to be very good at long-distance relationships this year.
Well, more specifically, one relationship, with my boyfriend who has been in Washington, D.C., for four months. Four months isn’t too bad, but unfortunately that wasn’t all. I spent four months in El Salvador and got home five days prior to his departure. Eight months — the longest months of my life.
Part of the frustratingly beautiful things about relationships is that they are all different. I am not claiming to be an expert on your relationship but I can tell you what worked for me to make the most of the challenge.
Live your life
This actually wasn’t our first and second round of long distance, it was our second and third. Round one was last summer, just two months after our first date. He was out of the state for eight weeks and I confess that I did not handle it well. I spent too much time worrying about the future and not enough time enjoying my life. When I think of that summer I mostly remember waiting for phone calls, moping when I didn’t get a phone call and sending packages and letters. It turns out that I had absolutely nothing to worry about when it came to our future. Why didn’t I do more while I waited?
Round two was a struggle for me too. I was in the middle of the biggest adventure of my life and I spent most of my time thinking about him. I didn’t let myself give up and wallow, though. I decided that I wouldn’t complain about missing him and it helped me to stay sane. I do think that I talked about him a little too much, though because talking about him became the running joke all summer.
Round three was a lot easier because I had plenty of practice by then. I also decided to throw myself back into my life and get as involved as possible. It was still a challenge but school, work, friends and family helped to keep me happy.
One of the most helpful things I did during the second two rounds was to set goals for myself. What I was missing the first time around was a purpose. I asked myself what I was going to do with this time and how I was going to use it to my advantage. That change of mindset motivated me to become a better me while I waited for him.
Don’t smother him, but don’t neglect him either
Before round one I was trying so hard to be supportive that I forget to let him know how much I would miss him. I didn’t even realize my mistake until I found out that he had asked my best friend if I even cared that he was leaving. Of course I cared! I just assumed he already knew. He obviously didn’t.
Then, when I was gone, I tried not to focus on how much I missed him, but it was reassuring to hear him tell me that he missed me, in moderation. What helped the most was the paragraph at the end of each letter saying that he supported me and knew this was the best thing for me at the time. This simple message renewed my conviction to stay strong and make the most of my adventures.
On the other hand, I got carried away this time. I am so ready for him to be home that I couldn’t help telling him repeatedly. I don’t know how that impacted him, but it has certainly made things harder for me. It is hard to change your state of mind once it has been established. It is better to decide from the beginning to have control over your emotions. That is not to say that you will always be okay but you will have your conviction to ground you.
Do what works for you
Each round of separation was completely different because each was affected by many variables. We just had to communicate about our expectations and then learn from trial and error — kind of like in normal-range relationships.
Now, the next challenge will be getting used to being together again after eight months of long-distance dating. But, we will have to apply a lot of the same ideas we have been using while we were apart, so I think we can handle it.
In the hopes that your story can have just as happy an ending as our, I wish you the best of luck, and hope my experiences can make a difference for you.