Look, kid, you know it’s going to happen sooner or later. Let’s just make sure you’re prepared for the inevitable.
AQUARIUS
You already know that your Aquarius man doesn’t like you to know that he’s feeling a feeling, but you know he is anyway and you know there’s probably a lot going on in his little water-bearer head. He’s a mess. But he plays off that he’s a free spirit and can go with the flow. He’ll refuse to be emotionally vulnerable with you and run away from a genuine connection with you. Sorry dude.
PISCES
Your Pisces lover thinks he’s a total martyr and that “nobody gets him.” He’ll be tender, and loving, and understanding, and so so sweet but your Pisces boy will be the one to ghost you so quick. He decides that maybe you aren’t on the same wavelength as him and re-downloads Tinder and decides that Liz understands the tender acoustic guitar of his soul. Sorry dude.
ARIES
It was your fault for trying to date an Aries bro in the first place. Once you realize he’s actually kind of bonkers and way too much, but you totally want to compromise, it’ll be too late. He’ll be on that punching-walls-when-he’s-angry shit already. Sorry dude.
TAURUS
Homeboy will inevitably realize you’re a person, and not a bag of flaming hot Cheetos, nor a mirror. That’ll be difficult for him to cope with and he’ll bail. Sorry dude.
GEMINI
This Gemini sweetheart that you thought was so different and interesting will get bored of you, and it really isn’t your fault that you’re a normal, functioning person. Gemini-boy needs new horizons to watch and new strains of weed to try. Sorry dude.
CANCER
I hate to say this, with toxic masculinity and all, but your Cancer boy might cry too much and too often. At best, he’ll idealize you and put you on a pedestal just to ghost your sorry ass when he realizes you’re a multidimensional person and not the manic pixie dream girl he thought you could be. Sorry dude.
LEO
Actually, a Leo will never let you down! Leos are perfect! This was written by a Leo. Sorry dude.
VIRGO
Dating a Virgo is like trying to draw your own graph paper. The minute Mr. Virgo-douche realizes you didn’t shower last night or that you skipped laundry today he’ll flip, even if just internally, and be out of there faster than he left the gen-ed math class he accidentally signed up for sophomore year of high school. Sorry dude.
LIBRA
I mean, how won’t a Libra disappoint you? Libras are too charismatic for their own good, which leads to just a treasure chest of disappointment. It could happen the minute you realize that for all the sweet-talking he did and all the feminist preaching he pulled, you discover he was only in it for nudes. It could happen the minute you get a flirtatious snap he meant to send to the other girl he’s been “exclusively talking to.” You never know. Either way, he’ll probably gaslight the shit out of you. Sorry dude.
SCORPIO
He will not be as kinky as he claimed to be. Sorry dude.
SAGITTARIUS
You know, it’ll actually be so great, he’ll have this great ambitious-dreamer thing, and you’ll swoon hard, and then he’ll ghost you harder. You’ll be more bummed out than disappointed until he hits you with that “you up?” 2 am text five months from now.
CAPRICORN
Everything will seem perfect, you’ll be totally head-over-heels and dreaming about your future with this charismatic, intelligent man of your dreams until his dad decides you aren’t good enough for him. And then it’s over. Sorry dude.
Ultimately, no matter his sign, he’ll always let you down. You will maybe find love, and if you do you’ll still be disappointed. But at least you’re prepared for what it will be now. I think my editor said not to write as many man-hating articles. Sorry dude.