From my childhood years to my current adult life, I have incessantly lectured that I “need to be more ladylike.” Chew with your mouth closed. Cross your legs. Stop swearing. Wear some high heels every once in a while. Besides these sentiments being completely infuriating, and the best reason for a good eye-roll, they are also rather perplexing. What exactly is a “lady?’ What does she look like? What does she sound like? And why did every woman have to be one? If a woman isn’t ladylike, is she failing her womanhood?
When I think of what a “lady” truly is, immediately, the infamous 1950’s housewife comes to mind: red lipstick, extravagant pearls, wearing an apron and pulling out fresh baked cookies from the oven. To be ladylike is to be the “perfect woman,” the obedient woman, the subservient woman, the pretty woman, the traditional woman. When I hear “act like a lady,” what a really hear is “know your place,” “be quiet,” “be submissive,” “don’t be different.” The “unladylike” is any deviation from what society expects women to be—and truthfully, I don’t see that as a bad thing at all.
So often boldness, assertiveness and womanly power are hidden under the oppressive umbrella of “unladylike,” leaving women to feel as if their qualities of strength are something that they need to apologize for. Quite honestly, if being a lady means surrendering my opinions, my skills, and my knowledge for the sake of maintaining an image of what a woman is supposed to be, then I don’t want to be a “lady” at all (and you shouldn’t either). While society scolds women for their unladylike behavior, there remains an unignorable double standard between the behaviors of men and the behaviors of women If I, as a female, am aggressive, throw a “god-dammit” into a conversation, or casually talk about sex, I’m unladylike. I should be ashamed. However, if a man were to act in the exact same manner, no one would bat an eye. It would just be a man, being a man–a classic “boys will be boys” scenario.
It is truly astounding how afraid people are of the losing this “traditional woman” standard, so much so that they are willing to police women’s ladylikeness at any given moment. Who are you to tell me that I’m “not being lady-like” when I raise my voice over important issues? Who are you to tell me that I am failing as a “lady” because I am open with my sexuality, use an occasional cuss word, and am not afraid to talk about “vulgar” subjects? Telling me that I act like “one of the bros” is only supporting the oppressive and limiting gender roles that already exist. Just as women are not inherently, polite and composed 24/7, men do not come out of the womb with dirty mouths and an intrinsic desire to burp publicly and talk about sex at any given moment.
Now you may be thinking, “quit being sensitive, it’s just a harmless expression.” However, I believe that to be far from true. If we set up the expectation that women are supposed to be quiet, submissive, polite, and, thus, “ladylike,” we are silencing women on such important matters. If talking about sex is unladylike, and something a lady should never do, how are women supposed to develop healthy sexualities? How are they to feel comfortable to talk about sexual matters, if it is seen as something that only men do?
Not only does this ladylike phenomenon limit the freedom of what women are able to discuss in an acceptable way, but it makes those who don’t fit this ladylike mold feel as if they are outsiders or social deviants. We simply cannot expect women to all behave in the same manner. Women, believe it or not, are unique and complex individuals—some may be just as ladylike as you want them to be, but others might just never let go of their swearing habits or sexual personalities, no matter how many times you call them unladylike. So with that in mind, f**k you society, I don’t want to be a lady. I want to be me. I want to be an individual. And no, I don’t want to follow a standard for my womanhood.