Let’s be honest; living away from home is difficult. While new friends, midnight pizza runs, and unchecked Family Guy marathons are truly divine, there is a comfort that only home will ever hold. But what happens when your one home becomes two, holiday schedules become dictated by airplane times, and you’re not the only one who needs dating advice: What happens when your parents get divorced?
My parents finalized their divorce after my childhood felt complete, but it was still devastating. Divorces are unique—each person’s experience with divorce is both uniquely harder and easier than everyone else’s. In talking to children of divorced parents, I’ve had that opinion continuously validated, but I’ve also put together a few things that everybody with divorced parents should know.
- You are not the only one. Fifty percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce. This means that, statistically, either the person sitting to your right or left in this English lecture (you’ve been caught) comes from divorced parents. Because of how common divorce is, thousands—literally— of your classmates are going through similar experiences and are ready to listen, lament, and offer friendship.
- This could affect your finances. A joint report from the University of Wisconsin and Rice University showed children of divorced parents receive 67% less financial aid from their parents than those whose parents are married. Even when divorced parents get remarried, they still contribute 50% less than married parents to their children’s education. While the emotional stress of divorce can be debilitating, the financial burden that accompanies it doesn’t usually receive the attention it is due.
What’s important to know is that this is a common problem college students face, so there are several solutions. Start by having candid conversations with your parents to see how the divorce will affect their ability to financially aid you. When you’ve determined that, there are many options to explore. Work study programs, student loans, and tuition payment programs abound. Remember: nothing is more important than your mental and physical well-being. Taking a break to work or decompress is not the same as giving up.
4. You do not have to choose a parent. When your best friend Sally broke up with Ken last month, you didn’t pick a side; you chose the right. Within ten minutes, you had him blocked on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn—for good measure. As a matter of fact, Ken’s name doesn’t even exist anymore in your memory.
Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be this way with parents. Often, it feels like you should pick a side when your parents get divorced. Spending time with one feels like betraying the other, and allowing one to vent can put you in the middle of war zone. It’s important to set clear boundaries regarding time, conversations that are off-limits, and their dating lives as they pertain to you. In a strange reversal of roles, it will usually fall to you to enforce these rules. Be prepared to do so and choose boundaries that are clearly defined.
5. You get two sets of holidays. Okay, okay. This may not be the most relevant, but it is important to know is that divorce doesn’t mean that happiness is now unobtainable. Although one or both of your parents are likely less happy now, they typically end up happier in the long-term. They provide us, children of divorcees, with the opportunity to learn more about relationships, to meet new people, to build stronger individual relationships with each parent, and yes, to have two birthday cakes.
No matter what your situation is, this is a hard transition to make. Having a close support system can ease the burden tremendously. Keep remembering that this is better in the long run, even though it may not seem that way now. Stay strong, your family isn’t broken, its just moving a few pieces around.