I began to encounter my first self-doubt challenges when I was about fifteen years old. I went from being a courageous, innocent girl to a teenager who was afraid of rejection. Throughout the journey that life is, I’ve discovered the events that made me second-guess myself and become closed off to people have only been lessons to help me remember the strong woman I’ve always known I am, but sometimes forget. My experiences have helped me shape my perspective of the world and how I interact with people. I believe that my life’s journey has been an amazing, wild roller coaster of happiness, sadness, and constant confusion so far.
The method I have always used to express my emotions has been writing in journals. I used to keep these hidden in my room, and when my mother began to find them, she confronted me with them. Knowing that my mother read all the feelings I had written down made me feel ashamed of them. I stopped writing, which further fed my insecurities. Years later, I continued my journal therapy sessions because writing was much more easier and private for me than trying to explain myself to supposed friends who would not understand. I tried to make my feelings clear in order for them to comprehend; sometimes they did. They listened to me most of the time, but the judgment and pity stares afterwards made me seek shelter once again in my journals. Writing is a powerful tool that helped me analyze situations, vent my feelings, and build and reinforce my perspective of the world.
I remember no matter how many friends I had, I still felt lonely. Now, I see how all those experiences and feelings were necessary for me to learn the lessons I needed to overcome in that moment. I have learned to find empowerment in my insecurities and self-pity. I recall how in situations where I felt bad about myself, I would make myself feel worse. I imposed judgment over myself, making me fall into an endless void of suffering and darkness. As hard as it is writing this, I was addicted to making myself feel that darkness. I tortured myself with the constant thought of not being worth anyone’s time. Torturing myself emotionally was a hard addiction to break. I never went to a psychologist or a therapist, so I simply decided that nothing and no one would make me feel worse than how I made myself feel. That has been the hardest war within myself because it’s never truly over. The self-doubt still lives within me, but I choose to surprise and prove myself wrong with what I’ve been able to accomplish thus far with perseverance and trust that everything will work out for the better.
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One of the key mindsets, which helped me break through obstacles, was facing them with the intention of learning a lesson from them. When I stumbled across an obstacle, I filled myself with courage to learn whatever it is that I needed to learn, even though I’d end up regretting the decision I made at the time. Though I have made many mistakes throughout my journey, the decision to look at them positively has been a great challenge. Mistakes helped shape my perspective and taught me to have a better mindset and think things through before making a decision that would affect me. This is the reason I stopped being so hard on myself and began to love and accept my appearance, my personality and, most importantly, how I feel.
Source: Ig: behindthebeautyyy
Of course, this did not happen in an instant; it was a process of self-acceptance what helped me think positively towards myself. Part of my process was facing the constant confusion of why my life kept throwing lemons at me, how my life was changing (not knowing if it was for the better or worse ), and putting effort on my emotional wellbeing. It was then that I realized the value every experience we go through have on our personal development. What I have learned throughout my journey is that the attitude we project and the mindset we maintain toward the obstacles we encounter determine our perspective of the outcome.
The reason I share my empowerment and self-love process -which is constantly challenged and improving- is because many of us feel the need to write our feelings as a consolation to the loneliness we feel. I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions that still needs healing, just like many other people. I write, in hopes that sharing my experiences and how I faced them with a positive outlook, motivates other people to do so too.
Source: Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur