By Carlos Micames
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and your girlfriend is driving you crazy about what gift to buy. Being the kind, gentle, sensitive man you are, there’s no easy way to break up the week before Valentine’s Day, so what opportunities are there? The easiest way to get out of that suffocating relationship with Ms. “Not So Perfect” is to convince her to break up with you. But how do you get a girl to break up with an eloquent, charming guy like yourself? Well, this requires basic acting skills and a few easy tips in how to lie your way of any situation.
1. Take her out on a horror date
The fastest way to get a girl to break up with you, take her out to a terrible restaurant. McDonald’s or any fast food is guaranteed to do the trick. Or you can take her out to a fancy, expensive restaurant and then realize you “left your wallet at home”. Other details can include playing rock music on the stereo (my personal choices include Pink Floyd, Pearl Jam and Led Zeppelin). If she enjoys it, then you’re an idiot for wanting to break up. Inappropriate comments about her weight or outfit are also war starters. If you have a female waitress, use that to your advantage and throw some cute comments her direction. If your girl still wants you after all that, then you need the advanced version.
2. Give her gifts that keep on giving
Since Valentine’s Day approaching, you need to buy gifts soon. Go with her and make sure to choose the worst gift imaginable. If you see a black dress or a seriously hipster top, tell her it would look good on her. Check out the Rihanna perfume (smells disgusting). The classic “your best friend looked great with this on” is a surefire relationship killer. Take some time to get away and buy something for yourself as well. Showing a lack of interest will make her resent you and question your worth. Invite your friends to eat and ditch her once you meet up with them. Text any girl on your phone and make sure that bae (ughh) is watching once she replies.
3. Boxed affection
Final attempt to get her to break up with you: It’s the day before Valentine’s and you need an escape route. Nothing has worked up to now and the nice guy card is not functioning. For the final play, you need to buy a box of chocolates or any candy. Eat all the candy available in the box, wrap it up and give it to her. Tell her it’s a reflection of your love for her. If she replies that it’s empty, then it’s the perfect opening to reply “exactly.” Yes, this will probably result in much physical pain, but it’s better than the agony of being in a distasteful relationship. If none of these ideas work, then congratulations, you are as undumpable as Ryan Gosling (and I feel your pain, trust me.)
4. Timing is everything
Don’t be like Warner, who broke up with Elle during a super fancy dinner she thought he was going to propose at.
The sooner you get this out of the way, the better. Subtlety is essential in an operation like this. Don’t break the news shopping for flowers in the mall, at her parent’s house or by text (not doing that again). Be classy and although honesty is never actually the best policy, it’s guaranteed to get you in the least amount of trouble. For example, a simple discussion about your feelings, as lame as that sounds, is a good place to peacefully let her know that you’ve moved on. Doing this first saves so much time, work and money that can be spent focusing on your Valentine’s day girl.