Women have it tough, and it’s my hope that with this list my fellow men, who might or might not know any better, treat women as human beings with dignity and respect as they would any other guy. The items in this list have been a culmination of years hearing the same faults committed by men to my female friends and family members.
1. No one owes you their time.
Some guys seem to have it engrained in their brains that the mere effort of trying to talk to a girl, in any context, endows them with the “right” to a conversation. No. Women, or anyone for that matter, have a life of their own and as such they may spend that time as they deem appropriate, not you. For example, imagine going about your business, either going to the club or the library to relax, it makes no difference where you are, and someone you don’t know approaches you. They try to strike up a conversation, and you make it—painfully—obvious you’d rather be alone through your body language, short replies, or you’re just not paying attention, but they keep going at it. Annoying right? Then they start asking personal questions about you. Pretty uncomfortable, huh? Now imagine you tell them you’d really rather be alone and they’re making you uncomfortable, they then get mad at you. What? But you never asked for their attention. Sounds terrible, doesn’t it?
Well, most women have to deal with this on a weekly basis. So guys, kindly remember that if they don’t seem like talking from the get go, trying for 20 minutes won’t change that. The same thing goes for online interaction. If you’ve send 10 messages over a week and have gotten no reply or they [the replies] have been, at best, monosyllabic. Stop sending messages. Please understand they don’t want to interact with you, and you’re not entitled to a conversation just because you want one.
Finally, buying someone something doesn’t tantamount into “being owed” a conversation. Yeah, just because you got someone a beer doesn’t meant they have to talk to you. That was your choice; they don’t even have to accept it as a matter of fact.
2. Learn to read, or not ignore, social and physical cues.
In the previous example I mentioned how someone might make it obvious through body language that they would rather be left alone. Well guys, please don’t ignore it, some women are afraid to directly voice discomfort with any action you might do while interacting with them. Why? Well, they simply don’t know what your reaction will be. Sounds weird? Not to them, women are victims of harassment and physical violence at very high rates every year due to men. Their fear is something they’ve had to grow up with.
As such, they only have more indirect means of communicating discomfort in social situations. These include, but aren’t limited to, slowly moving away from you, trying to end the interaction quickly or very visibly showing discomfort. So please learn to recognize when you might not be as welcomed as you might think you are and, if this is happening while talking to someone, stop what you’re doing, apologize and move on (probably away from them).
3. Stop catcalling.
This one is pretty self-explanatory, don’t catcall women. Don’t shout at them; don’t whistle at them; don’t tell them they have a “nice pair” of anything. It’s not a compliment; it’s harassment.
This is not up for discussion, you’re simply taking away their personhood and reducing them to a pile of meat you can stare at for your pleasure. It is the very definition of objectification and it’s very, very sexist. Women don’t exist solely for the male gaze and they feel very much exasperated, annoyed and sometimes even afraid when a group of men they don’t know stare at them and call them names.
In this same line of thought, don’t tell women what to do. “Smile more,” “you’re wearing so much makeup,” “too little makeup,” (and any variation of this idea) is a great example of this, because, like I mentioned, they don’t exist just for you to look at them. They can have a bad day or be in a mood, they don’t have to pretend to be happy just because you want to see a pretty face.
4. No means no.
For some reason or the other, men have created the myth that women don’t mean what they say. Because it either means they’re just playing hard-to-get or don’t know what they want. This is untrue, women are as clear on what they want as much as you and me. There is no withholding information, there is no “mind game” if they say anything, so you can probably take whatever they say at face value. I, hopefully, have now dispelled this myth.
5. Do. Not. Touch. Anyone.
Not going into too much detail for this one. Unless there is an emergency, you should be touching no one. Under no circumstances should you touch a woman. It’s harassment, it’s not funny, and it’s not a joke. Don’t do it; terrible idea.
I have by now touched on a few complaints my female friends and family members have voiced over their interactions with men. So please stop doing these if you have done them before. Now I know what you might be thinking, “So I can’t interact with women?” 1) If that was your first thought, you completely missed the point, and 2) no, that’s not what I’m saying. I simply want my fellow men to be more self-aware that they might be making someone uncomfortable, and that no one really owes them anything just because they feel entitled to something.
*Some links:
http://www.unwomen.org/en/what-we-do/ending-violence-against-women/facts-and-figures
http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs239/en/
*Article written by Gerardo Mercado.