Photo by Priscilla Westra
To My Ex Best Friend:
I don’t know how many times I’ve tried reaching out to you, and how many times your silence has killed me. I don’t know how many times I’ve laid awake, wondering where we went wrong, and where I could have done better. I don’t know how many times I’ve gone through our old photos, wondering if you ever went through them, too. I don’t know how I lost you.
Was I really that bad? All friends fight, all friends argue, and all friends change both as individuals and together. But why was I so different that you felt the need to walk away; why was I so different, so much worse, that you didn’t think forgiveness was an option?
That’s what it does to me, still to this day. I start to question my reactions and my actions and how everything was my fault. The truth is, though, friendship is a two way street just like any other relationship: it can’t break unless both people have a hand in it.
The difference, however, is that I wanted to fix things. I was willing to do everything to fix things, and you walked away instead.
I was angry for a long time. I was angry, upset, and violently shaken to my core. We grew up together, after all; we faced the pit falls of almost every obstacle life had to throw at us together. You were there for me when I cried over my broken hearts and my broken family, and I was there for you when you did the same. When did all of that suddenly mean less than nothing? When did I become not good enough for you? I was angry for a very, very long time.
But now I’m not. I will always be left with questions and will never have the closure I need- but I’m not angry. I will always be hurt and confused by your betrayal- but I’m not angry. I will wonder till the day that I die what would my life be like had we remained friends- but I’m not angry. No, we were too good of friends for me to stay angry. The memories I shared with you are some of the happiest memories of my life. When my children ask about my elementary, middle, and high school days, only your name will come into my mind. Only my times with you will be worth mentioning.
We were too good of friends for me to be anything but grateful.
I’m grateful for having built my life with you. I’m grateful for having you by my side, even if it was for a short period of time. You taught me so many things about myself- the good, the bad, and the ugly- and I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate it enough back then.
I’m also grateful for you leaving, in a way; your departure from my life was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, and it taught me strength. It taught me patience, faith, and most importantly, caution. It’s because of you that I now know how to pick my friends wisely and keep my heart more guarded. I learned to rely on and love myself just a little bit more, and for that, I will never be able to repay you.
I hope you still think of me.
I hope you still miss me.
I hope you find all of the happiness in the world and more.
Most of all, though, I hope one day maybe- just maybe- our paths will cross again.
Always,
Me