I’m sleeping with a guy ten years older than me, and no, he’s not a sugar daddy.
He’s become one of my best friends, honestly. We met on one of those dating apps, and at first I think it was somewhat of a joke for both of us. I never, ever went for anyone above four years over my age and he had never gone out with someone as young as me, either. It was more or less one of those nights where we were both bored and just bonded over our love for Mexican food. Now it’s been five months, and we’ve connected over much, much more.
There was an instant, undeniable attraction between us. Be it the age difference or different stages of life or the fact he could legally order a drink and I couldn’t, there was no uneven heartbeat or stuttering of words. We had fun and great conversation and the best sex of my life, but that piece that could draw us into a relationship just wasn’t there. I was still over the moon, though, when he messaged me a couple days later and asked me to a movie. I honestly didn’t know what was happening, but I knew I liked him, and I didn’t particularly care if we were dating seriously or not.
I was drawn to his charisma and his maturity. I think it’s no secret that twenty year old guys in college are anything but mature or charismatic. I didn’t want frat parties and cheeseburgers, I wanted deep conversations and a real connection with someone. At that point in our lives, we’d both gotten out of our first serious, long term relationships in terrible, miserable ways. So although neither of us were searching for “the one”, we found comfort in each other. Eventually I started to cry in movies in front of him. He started to pour his heart out to me, and the philosophical discussions we have to this day teach me more than any college course has.
I don’t think I’m ever going to date someone my own age, but now I’m considering only dating men five or more years older than me. Older men have more experience in all aspects of life: relationships, family, sex, love, self-care and so much more. Not only that, but I’ve learned that they have this need and desire to protect women that younger men just don’t have. There’s something equally sexy and heart-warming about a man who wants to nurture your innocence, take care of you, and not want the world to hurt you. And that quality, I believe, only comes with age.
Age doesn’t fully define our relationship, though- it added to the attraction and curiosity first, yes, but it didn’t hinder us from exploring what we have. And what we have is a true, real friendship, where we can have sex, be honest, and go on roadtrips and nice dinners together. We’ve never defined it as anything else, but I no longer go on dates or sleep around. I care about this man, but no, I’m not in love with him. I’m simply happy with our situation, the laughter and joy it brings to my life, and right now I don’t feel the need for anything more. There’s no jealousy or animosity, just safety and vulnerability and…peace. He’s one of my favorite people. I’m one of his. It just works.
When I tell people my current situation and how old he is, I’m always looked at with big eyes and a dropped jaw. I know how stupid and naive this all sounds and how lucky I was that this guy didn’t turn out to be a creep. And you’re right: I was lucky. So they’re right: you need to make sure you meet all strangers and blind dates in public places. Know their intentions. Talk about it openly, and run if you ever get uncomfortable. Fortunately for me, this man’s age was just another characteristic about him like his hair or smile or eyes.
As far as other people’s opinions: I don’t really care. For one thing, he’s not my boyfriend. It’s not like we have something to prove or expectations to live up to or parents to tell. He’s my friend, and we give each other the same respect that we give to our other friends.
When we met, we had lost ourselves, and we were simply trying to find who we were again. Along the way, we found each other. For us, it’s worked out perfectly for the last five months, and I’m grateful for the experience.
Please be safe with whoever you choose to sleep with or date, regardless of their age. Always make sure every action is legal and consensual. Most of all, don’t discount people just because of their age. You may end up completely surprised and thrilled, just like me.