No Facebook users were offended in the making of this article.
The “Rookie”
These people, commonly known as “grandma” or “grandpa” (or both, because they have also made joint Facebook profiles a thing), have somehow developed the same love for Facebook as many of today’s millennials. They’re sort of like the kid on the soccer team who is awful at the sport, but everyone admires just how hard they try and lets them play anyway. They may not know the difference between your Facebook wall and a private message or how to turn off caps lock, but we still chuckle at their strong desire to be involved with the latest technological trends.
The “Rampager”
If there is ever any sort of political or controversial crisis, you will become very familiar with this users profile picture, as it will be the only thing on your news feed for miles (of scrolling). Their posts are comprised of about 10 percent caps lock, 90 percent of their blatant personal opinions and five percent of apologizing to anyone who it offends. Their posts tend to include things like “if you don’t like what I have to say, then delete me as a friend.” Pro tip: entertain yourself by looking out for these posts and monitoring the comments for hilarious arguments.
The “Ranter”
This user is similar to the “Rampager” but on a lesser scale. Their posts will typically begin with “I don’t normally post things like this, but…” and followed by a few paragraphs attempting to justify why their opinion is more relevant and less annoying than the “Rampager.” This release of personal opinion is usually enough to hold them over for 2-3 months when another big scandal happens.
The “Accomplisher”
You may get the impression that this user has only positive things happen in their life, due to their strategic choice of status updates. It will seem like they are always getting a job offer, good grades, or having the person in front of them in the drive thru pay for their Starbucks. There is certainly nothing wrong with trying to add some more positivity to social media, especially when there are so many other negative things being talked about. However, I can guarantee that not all of your Facebook friends care that you made a 97 on your english paper.
The “Lurker”
These users tend to be overwhelmed by the excessive use of Facebook by the “Rampager” and other people that he or she follows, and therefore does not feel the need to join in the madness. It is extremely rare to see this person post a status on Facebook; however, you still know that he or she is there. This person always throws out a few likes and a comment here and there, and you’ll always see them on the list of people that have “seen” a post in the Facebook Group. This user gets the most appropriate use out of Facebook without becoming addicted like the many of today’s generation. Props to you “Lurker,” sorry for not giving you a better title.