10 p.m. – You’re putting the final touches on your outfit, hair and makeup, and Ke$ha is serenading you with tales of wild parties that you can only hope to live up to tonight. Okay maybe not quite. “I wanna dance with no pants on, HOLLA!” probably isn’t the best path to take on tonight’s journey into party land. In fact, it’s just overall not a good look, so really, don’t do that. Thanks.
10:30 p.m. – Arrive at your pre-party meeting area with your friend group. You must take a stupid amount of pictures, only six of which will actually make it onto Facebook. “Hold on, let me get on my good side.” “Oh God, never that one. Delete it.” “… No, but I’m actually serious, delete that.”
11 p.m. – Congratulations, you have officially reached a socially acceptable time to arrive at your destination. Just a few minutes deviation could spell disaster. You know that first awkward cluster of girls on an empty dance floor? They’re holding their drinks with two hands while those green lasers pulse around them as they sway to and fro, just smiling at each other. Don’t be that cluster.
11:30 p.m. – Now it’s time to screech inappropriately loudly when you encounter another group of girls that arrived separately from you but that you still like, sort of. Necessary outfit compliments ensue and shoe admiration is always a safe bet. Now hurry along on your way, you have nothing else of substance to say.
Midnight- Feeling brave? See that guy across the room looking really smokin’, besides the fact that he has an indeterminable juice substance spilled down the front of his shirt (what is this juice and where does it come from?) Yep, he’s totally checking you out. Bait the hook and reel ’em in.
12:10 a.m. – Juice shirt boy can’t make words to save his life in his overly intoxicated state. Send your nearby friend an escape text.
12:45 a.m. – Want to go to the bathroom and check your makeup/hair? Think carefully about this decision. Firstly, there will be the obligatory girl crying in the corner with friends surrounding her looking like confused Chinese tourists. Secondly, if you actually do need to use the bathroom, these facilities are on par with your local gas station or beachside bathroom. Thirdly, you will find that your hair has decided to take on qualities similar to the mullet found on the Beast after he turns into a human in “Beauty and the Beast.” As for your makeup, your face now resembles a Salvador Dali painting. There’s no fixing this, ladies, just let it happen and avoid reflective surfaces in order to protect any amount of self-esteem you possess.
1:30 a.m. – Thoughts of Qdoba creep into your mind. You must try to suppress these thoughts, though we all know the effort will turn out to be futile.
1:45 a.m. – Really can’t wait for that burrito.
2 a.m. – You came here with a group of seven girls. That group has now dwindled to three, and one of those three is strewn about a nearby seating area. One of her shoes is missing.
2:15 a.m. – You have managed to round up the troops. It is as if they are your herd of sheep and you are one of the wise men, leading them to the promised land of inauthentic Mexican cuisine. Or something like that.
2:30 a.m. – Foodgasm.
3 a.m. – You’re in your room, doing that thing where you are literally just throwing your possessions every which way because its 3 a.m. and you’re tired and your feet hurt and you can do that. Tomorrow, you will find your debit card behind your dresser after a 45-minute search. You proceed to pass out as if you were KO’d by Mike Tyson in your PJs that consist of Victoria’s Secret panties that say “party time” in glittery letters across your backside. Mission accomplished, my friend.
Photo Citations:
Beauty and the Beast (photo): Entertainment Weekly,
http://popwatch.ew.com/2010/08/02/lunchtime-poll-beast-beast-or-human-beast/
Qdoba (photo): Chapel Hill Journal , http://chapelhilljournal.com/qdoba.html