Week 7
Prepare yourself, readers. This week, we were privileged with a two-night special… a.k.a. ABC really wants this season to be over for some reason. And, this is going to be really long. We are already on Hometowns.
Sunday Night
Thank God we had a snow day today, because this episode was THREE HOURS LONG.
We start off this exciting Bachelor weekend with Chris Harrison chatting with Kelsey about how “controversial” she was this season. We all know Kels likes to act, so she acts very surprised. No one really cares. The only thing I am still concerned about is whether or not she, once again, raided her mom’s closet for something to wear on The Bachelor.
Next, Chris talks to Chris. Nothing worth discussing.
Lastly, before the episode gets started, Chris Harrison discusses Andi and Josh’s breakup with Andi in the flesh. I loved Andi, and I almost shed a tear watching her cry. But, she is such a pretty crier and her lips were looking extra plump. I don’t know if its injectables or just really great lip gloss, but it looks chic. Anyway, Andi is really sad and I’m sad about it.
We start off the actual episode with a Rose Ceremony, since we left off last week with Chris ditching Kelsey in the desert as he got on the helicopter. Megan the Makeup Artist and Chris decide together that she needed to go home. I hope this wasn’t a shock for anyone; clearly nothing has been happening with them for basically the whole show now. Chris Harrison says there is still going to be a Rose Ceremony, even though Megan went home, but Prince Farming isn’t having it and announces they are all headed to… IOWA. More specifically, Chris’ hometown of Arlington, Iowa. I am very suspicious of how excited the girls were, because even people from Kentucky don’t want to go to Arlington, Iowa. Odd. Turns out Megan the Makeup Artist really dodged a bullet.
First, is a one-on-one date with Jade. Chris takes her to downtown Arlington. I wasn’t really listening, because I hated Jade’s outfit; she definitely got her wardrobe at Buckle. Also, I just kept picturing tumbleweeds passing through discretely as they walked down the street. It was a fun daydream. Chris takes Jade to his house. Nothing happens. He takes her to see his cows and she says, “come here, babies” to the cows. Why? This date is literally Jade and Chris exchanging pleasantries. It reminds me of middle school when I didn’t want to hang up with the boy I liked, so I would just constantly smile like an idiot at the phone wondering who was going to hang up first.
Next, we have another one-on-one date that goes to Whitney from the city that doesn’t exist. Which leads me to something we need to discuss about our dear friend, Whit. I have discovered from not very much creeping on Instagram that Whitney went to UK and is a UK fan. So, we care about Whitney now. We still do not enjoy her voice, but we do care about her, because #BBN. Follow her on Instagram and comment about UK (I DID).
Whitney and Chris walk/skip around Des Moines all day and ask random strangers to take photos of them. Then, they go to dinner and Whitney gets to meet three of Chris’ friends. Let’s be honest, Whitney is a part of the #BBN, so she is naturally likeable. I’m sure they talked about basketball and Coach Cal most of the time, we just didn’t get to see that part. Anyways, Whitney tells Chris about her family, which is rather sad; she never knew her dad and her mom passed away from cancer when she was 19. #cancersucks. Chris has a surprise for Whitney outside and it is a painted mural of one of the pictures they asked a random stranger to take that day. THE ROMANCE. Besides Whitney’s Disney princess voice, she is tolerable.
Meanwhile, Britt, Becca, Carly and Kaitlyn decide they are going to see what Arlington, Iowa looks like for themselves. Mistake. I Googled how long it took for them to get there and it was 165 miles, so they care about seeing Arlington. Obviously, all of them are dazed and confused and think they have entered the Twilight Zone. Arlington is literally a street with a church on it. They are all visibly and verbally concerned about living there, but Carly the Cruise Ship Singer pretends Britt is the only one who is skeptical. She is really starting to tick me off with her rudeness.
Britt, Kaitlyn and Carly get to go on a three-on-one date next. Not weird at all. This is so awkward I don’t even want to watch. That and Carly the Cruise Ship Singer has diarrhea of the mouth concerning Britt. They go ice skating and Chris falls a lot before Britt saves him and has some one-on-one time. They chat and kiss and all that good stuff. She tells him she could see herself living in Iowa and raising a family. Carly talks to Chris next and tells him that Britt said she could never live in Arlington and that she lied to him. Carly is basically a tattle-tale and we all know the girl who leaks info to Chris NEVER wins. #friendzone. Also, Carly couldn’t live in Iowa because they don’t have cruise ships there, so I am suspicious.
Of course, they all go somewhere next to get their drink on to relieve themselves of the awkwardness of the date. Kaitlyn gets the rose. Britt is very upset by this. She calls Chris out in front of Carly and Kaitlyn. Things are getting weird, again. Chris is uncomfortable and he just kind of leaves… again. They go back to the house and Carly starts talking mass sh*t. Like MASSIVE.
Here are my thoughts on this… should Britt have called Chris out and made things awkward on the date in front of Kaitlyn and Carly? No. She was immediately remorseful of this and apologized for speaking so emotionally in front of them. It was obvious that she felt awful for doing so. Carly, on the other hand, takes it upon herself to be a very mean girl. She is literally speaking mean things of Britt to the other women and not wishing good things upon her life. I thought Carly was funny, but now I think she masks her insecurities of Britt with being “mean funny” and it’s not cool. This world needs more women for women? Can I get an “amen?”
This episode ends with Chris Harrison telling them there would not be a cocktail party, because Chris has already made up his mind.
Monday Night
Starting right where we left off: Britt verbalizes to the women that she wants to go home, because she feels her incident with Chris on the date was not something she felt prepared their relationship for Hometowns. She says she does not want to bring someone home to her family that she wasn’t feeling 100 percent about. Cue the freaking out because she wants to discuss her reasons for wanting to leave before the Rose Ceremony begins. Carly, once again, starts saying very hateful things about Britt. She even says Britt not getting a rose would be worth her not getting a rose, too. She sucks.
Britt and Chris do get to talk. Meanwhile, Carly is talking sh*t about her, once again, while she is away. Britt and Chris mutually feel their time together is now ready to end with an emotional kiss-on-the-lips goodbye. Britt is outside sobbing and Carly asks if Britt is laughing. Once again… she sucks. Buttttt, there is still one more person to go home and you guessed it… SEE YA CARLY WE WILL NOT MISS YOU OR YOUR EYEBROWS.
Becca, Jade, Kaitlyn and Whitney are taking Chris to their hometowns.
First hometown date is Becca. She is from Shrievport, Louisiana. Becca is seriously so adorable and looks like a tan Carrie Underwood and my cousin Jami, but she is wearing a long-sleeved shirt with shoulder cutouts. Cringe. Getting over it. Her family is cute. They are really normal and I would have gone home as soon as they met my brothers. Meanwhile, they are all concerned that Becca hasn’t really been in love before, but Chris doesn’t care because he wants Becca to love him. Atta boy, Prince Farming. They leave her house and go on a ferris wheel ride, and I have all the feelings now.
Second hometown date is Whitney. Fortunately, Whitney’s family lives in Chicago, so the city that doesn’t exist does not get to be on TV. Whit takes Chris to her work, where she is a fertility nurse. She says, “this is where the magic happens” around 56 times. That joke was never funny, Whit. She then takes him in that magical room with a cup, insinuating that he should read some magazines and sperm into the cup. I. AM. SCARED. She was joking… THANK YOU GOD. I was not prepared for that.
Chris meets Whitney’s family. He talks to her sister about getting her blessing in case he wants to marry Whitney, but I don’t hear her answer because I really want to know who decorated her house. It’s so chic. They go back to Whitney’s place and she basically proposes with the bottle of wine she was planning on opening for her husband *clears throat*… Chris. So, there’s that. I feel like she is going to win now, but I am still holding out for my girl, Becca. Maybe she will be The Bachelorette? OMG that needs to happen.
Thirdly, we have Kaitlyn’s hometown date in Phoenix. She takes Chris to a recording studio and I mute my TV because I never want to hear Chris sing again. Then, they are off to see her family and they are really normal, so I have nothing to report about them; besides, Kaitlyn and her mom are adorable. Kaitlyn takes Chris on a little drive afterwards, where she reveals a “Kaitlyn <3 Chris” billboard. Aww. I am kind of on the crazy side, so I would have told Kaitlyn that doesn’t count. Still cute though, girl.
Last hometown date (thank God, getting tired of typing) is off to Nebraska with Jade. I know you guys are getting tired of reading, but stay tuned because she tells him about her Playboy days. Nothing really happens with her family, except the fact that her brother tells Chris that Jade is a “wild mustang.” I’m not really sure what this means, but a) that’s awkward, and b) I hope my brothers don’t ever want to call me that. Her dad also says something to the effect of Chris “not being able to handle her,” which I can relate to, because I’m sure my dad is going to say that about me sans the wild mustang comment (I hope).
Anyway, they go somewhere else and Jade tells Chris about the nude modeling she did for Playboy. He is trying to keep a straight face and that is the best part of this whole conversation. As if it’s not a weird enough conversation to have, Jade asks Chris is he wants to see some of them… um, yeah, Jade, he probably does. Heterosexual male problems. She shows him and he says he doesn’t care.
Jade goes home at the Rose Ceremony.
Heading to BALI next week. Hence, my really bad mood now, because there is literally a foot of snow outside my door.
xoxo
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