ADD is Not an Adjective
Elizabeth Baker
I have to finish this article before midnight tonight. I failed a test this morning that I really shouldn’t have – it’s one of my best classes. I tripped and fell outside of my house today, it was so embarrassing and I really hope nobody saw. I’ve never been to class without makeup before, but I was so late I didn’t have time. I need to go to the store to get makeup wipes soon, I’m almost out. I haven’t been grocery shopping in forever, either. I’m hungry. Why hasn’t he texted me back yet? I’ve got to clean my room. I want to get my nails done. I have 3 hours before I have to be at work. I haven’t finished this article yet. I really should’ve studied for that test some more. My kitten is so cute I don’t ever want to leave her alone. I wonder if I should call in to work. I forgot to turn off my straightener, it’s been on for over 20 minutes without being used. Should I go get food?
If that was confusing and overwhelming for you to read, imagine how it would feel to have every single one of those sentences streaming through your mind at one time, plus more, all the time. Imagine not ever being able to separate one stream of thought from another. Think about the amount of anxiety that accompanies thoughts that never slow down.
Living with ADD means you can’t ever separate the thoughts in your mind. They come flooding in all at once and overwhelm your mind. Sure, we’ve all had moments where it seems like our minds are racing and they’ll never calm down, but could you imagine living with that feeling every second of every day?
When I was in middle school, I was diagnosed with a combined type of ADD/ADHD (Attention Deficit Disorder/Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). I started taking medication to help me cope with the disorder in everyday settings, but it was difficult to find a medicine whose benefits outweighed the negative side effects. I stopped my medication in high school, but once I went to college, I realized how badly I really needed help.
Freshman year, I started taking short release tablets of Adderall as needed (as prescribed by my doctor). It was amazing to see the difference the pills made in my life – not only academically, but socially and internally as well. I was able to break apart the constant bombardment of thoughts and ideas and could focus on one task at a time. My anxiety levels decreased, I was performing better at work and school, and I felt happy for the first time in a long time. My doctor could see the positive changes and changed my prescription so that I now take 40mg of Adderall once a day, every day.
I’m sure you’ve heard people say something along the lines of, “Ugh, I am so ADD right now, I can’t focus on anything!” ADD is more than a lack of focus. It’s the inability to filter what enters your mind and what flies out of your mouth, it’s feeling stupid because you legitimately can’t complete a simple task, it’s having anxiety because you can’t control the flow of thought, and it’s insomnia because your brain doesn’t know how to turn itself on mute at night. ADD is not an adjective – it’s a disorder.
When people find out I take Adderall, I get a variety of responses:
“You’re so lucky.”
“If I were you, I’d sell those – you could make so much money.”
“I think I have ADD, could I take one and see if it helps?”
“What did you have to tell your doctor so you could get those?”
“Have you ever snorted them before?”
“I bet you have such a high GPA, that’s so not fair.”
“Don’t people take those to lose weight?”
Let me tell you one thing: “lucky” is the last thing I am. If I don’t take my medicine, I am a complete mess. I cannot function normally without the support of my Adderall. I have to go to the doctor every 6 months, get drug tested, request refills every 30 days, and check in with my doctor regularly just to be able to take my medicine. So no, I can’t sell my pills. No, I’ve never snorted them. No, I’m not high right now. No, you absolutely cannot have a pill to see what it’ll do to you.
Living with ADD isn’t easy. Taking Adderall doesn’t guarantee me good grades, it doesn’t help me study harder, and it doesn’t suppress my appetite. It makes me feel normal – it helps me take my thoughts and organize them by priority. It helps me filter out the noise and focus on one task at a time (for the most part). So next time you feel a little overwhelmed or frazzled, please, try to refrain from saying you “feel so ADD.” I promise you – you’re SO lucky to not ever have to truly feel that way.