We all know the worst part about Thanksgiving: the abundance of questions about your future, your love life, and anything else that could possibly be questioned. We are plagued with anxiety-inducing conversations with relatives and loved ones, when in reality, all we really want to do is stuff our mouths with turkey. Well, here is a simple note you can give anyone who might ask you those dreaded questions on turkey day. Simply print out the note, circle the best answer in each bolded section, and pass them out to whoever approaches you!
Dearest ____________,
Since it’s that time of the year again, I wanted to give you a little ‘cheat sheet’ for all of the [wonderful / frustrating / mind-numbing] questions you are sure to ask over dinner. This way, we can focus on [meaningful conversation / eating until we pass out / pretending like we don’t talk crap about each other every other day of the year] at the dinner table.
I am currently [single / married / mentally dating my dog], and I’m pleased to announce that I’m [happy the way I am, single or otherwise / sure I will die alone / pregnant (surprise!!)]. I guess you could say my love life is [great / nonexistent / better than yours, so stop asking]!
As far as school goes, my current major is _______, and yes, it’s tough but I [love it / hate it / think about dropping out of school every 10 minutes]. My grades are [pretty high / mediocre at best / sinking quicker than the Titanic], because I’m great at [forcing myself to study / convincing myself that Netflix is a good substitute for schoolwork / wallowing in self pity while getting nothing done]. I’m hoping to do even better next semester, though, because I plan to [study more / bribe the TA for better grades / start the semester off while working really hard, then giving up after a month or so].
My exercise routine is [consistent / hard but worth it / reminiscent of a sloth’s daily activities – a lot of sleeping and little-to-no movement]. But don’t worry, I’ve been eating [healthy food / my roommate’s food (Ssh! Don’t tell her!) / a strict diet of chicken nuggets, chicken nuggets, and more chicken nuggets]. I’m currently working on my ability to [cook / recite my McDonald’s drive-thru order in less than 10 seconds / substitute wine for dinner].
One of my favorite hobbies is [walking around campus / hanging out with friends / drunkenly calling my exes while crying]. But most of the time, if I’m not in classes, I’m probably [studying / drinking my feelings away / stalking my exes on Facebook]. On the weekends, however, my friends and I like to [meet up for a study session / explore new places around town / crash parties for free booze].
My friends would best describe me as [outgoing / fun / a disappointment], but I like to think I’m [funny / smart / definitely a disappointment]. My friends are [lovable / reliable / moderately-functioning alcoholics], just like me! If I’m being honest, though, I do have one friend that I value more than the rest; she/he could best be described as [my soul sister / my dog / whatever bottle of wine is closest to me]!
I am currently living [on campus / off campus / on my FWB’s couch (I gotta sleep somewhere, am I right?)] and my roommate(s) is/are [so much fun / different than I expected / more of a train wreck than your last marriage, Aunt Carol]! Next year, I plan to live in [an apartment / a rented house / the attic of a house, owned by a sweet family (but don’t tell them I’m here, they might kick me out!)] with [the same roommate(s) I have this year / my best friend / my frenemy, to begin her/his demise from the inside].
My siblings are [supportive of me / ashamed of me / genuinely in disbelief that they are related to me]. They [are still in college / have graduated from college / dropped out of college to ‘fight the system’]. I know that they have [bright futures ahead of them / no hope for the future / herpes], and I can’t wait to see what becomes of it!
After college, I’m hoping to [get a job / become a trophy wife / live at home for the rest of my life], and I couldn’t be more excited! The best part will definitely be the [rewarding feeling of finally working in the ‘real world’ / rich husband / free food and laundry courtesy of my parents].
If you have any other questions, make sure to [ask me / keep your mouth shut] about them!
[Love / Pass The Turkey / Bye Felicia],
_______________
Thumbnail courtesy of Gabriel Garcia Marengo of Unsplash