I am a fraud. That’s what I feel like sometimes – that I am not the person that everyone thinks I am. I felt like I was never good enough when it came to school, even when I was finding success. I have graduated from high school in the top 10 percent, got admitted into UGA, and even ended my first semester of college with a 3.28 GPA, but why did I still feel like everything else around me helped me to get where I am today, but not myself? Anybody who knows me, knows that I struggle in the areas of math and science. I pay attention in class, ask questions, go to office hours and tutoring for help, but when I take the test I do horribly. But if I miraculously get a B or higher on a test or an assignment, I am in dismay and think, “This can’t be mine.” I remember explicitly during Honors Chemistry in the 10th grade that I had gotten three A’s back-to-back on tests that I had even given my test back to my teacher because I had the hardest time believing that I actually earned an A. My teacher had to tell me that this was my test and that I had indeed gotten an A. But I still felt like a fraud after he had told me that. I have been feeling this way since the beginning of high school, and it has only enhanced since I have gotten to college. I would tell myself that I am not good enough any time I get a problem wrong or did poorly on a test. I had found myself comparing myself to my friends who I knew where much more successful in their academic life than I was. When hearing how naturally learning comes for some of my friends, I would think to myself: Do I really deserve to be here at UGA and did admissions make a mistake to admit me here? I felt so much pressure to keep up with everybody else so nobody knew what my true cover was. This lead to me becoming very stressed and having many breakdowns throughout my academic career so far.
I never knew how to handle how I was feeling until first semester last year in my FYOS class when we were reading Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In. In one of the chapters, Sandberg talked about the imposter syndrome, and how she has gone through life feeling like a fraud. The imposter syndrome dates back to 1978 when it was discovered by psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes and research has shown that women are more affected by it than men. Sandberg explains further how women underestimate their abilities and that when we achieve something we give all the credit to everything else but ourselves. Reading the chapter, it all of a sudden clicked for me. I have been doubting myself all these years because I have been living life thinking I am a fraud. After reading this chapter, I felt like I had just made a new discovery and shared it with everyone I knew. Pretty soon, all my friends were telling stories about how they felt like a fraud, too, either academic wise or social wise.
I realize as women we do not give enough credit to ourselves. We downplay every successful thing that has happen to us and do not step back and realize that we did that all on our own. We have gotten that A, internship, leadership position, networking connection all by ourselves. We are women and we are a bunch of bad-asses. I have learned to lighten up and give myself more props for some of the things I have accomplished. I have to remind myself that I am smart and that I do deserve to be where I am right now due to the hard work that I have put in. Just last week, I received my very first A in my math class since I have started college. I was so happy and didn’t even try to put my success on anybody else. I realized that was all me and it felt great. I have learned that I am not a fraud, but a pretty freaking fabulous girlboss.