Having spent my entire life attempting to navigate the intricacies of being a girl, I can safely say that it’s not as blasé and carefree as ‘90s teen movies make it seem. Identifying as a woman often brings a great deal of social pressures and expectations. From the time we’re very young, girls are dressed in bows and frills, surrounded by dolls and kitchen sets, and told what is expected of us and what is improper and inappropriate constantly. Now, in our formative years, this gender-divided upbringing of allowances and judgment has festered into something that goes beyond casual sexism: girl hate.
Men controlling, judging and policing women is definitely nothing new — it’s been a problem in society since the dawn of time. Girl hate is nothing new to this generation, but it is becoming more pervasive and accepted. When girls hate on each other because of some twisted internalized system of morals that say, “Don’t act like that,” “Don’t dress like that,” or “Don’t speak your mind,” it normalizes this policing of women by men. Plus, it eradicates solidarity among women, making it easier for this domineering judgment to continue.
I may have just smacked you with the heavy hand of feminism, so to put it more succinctly, as the Mother Goddess Tina Fey said in Mean Girls, “If you keep calling each other sluts and whores, it just makes it okay for guys to call you sl*ts and wh*res.”
Now, I’m not suggesting that you should be best friends with every passerby on the street; I’m simply restating an idea that many have said before me: Stop judging other people. Girls are often very quick to make passing judgments and toss sexist slurs at each other based on clothing choice, body type or sexual partners. She had sex with so many guys! What a sl*t! Doesn’t she know that dress looks terrible on her? She’s way too fat for high-waisted shorts! We must eradicate the idea that the decisions other people make require our input or commentary.
This concept applies to all genders, but it is especially important for women in regard to their sexuality. Women and girls are victims of criticism and shame for what they choose to wear and how many partners they choose to have sex with in a way that men are not. These ideas are rooted in sexism and create a chasm between the sexes: Men are celebrated for their sexual conquests (note the idea of a “conquest,” as sex is a prize that men win), while women are shamed for promiscuity (we use words like “used up,” “loose” and “easy” to describe women). This attitude opens the doors for the kind of dangerous ideas that rape apologists put forth. Raped? We ask. Well, what was she wearing? No matter your views on how people express sexuality, this double standard between the sexes is undeniable.
When girls put each other down, it only serves to perpetuate the kind of world where what you wear and who you love is more important than who you are. A person’s worth is not determined by the amount of skin they show or the number of people they choose to be intimate with. A person’s worth is determined by the way in which they treat others. If you’re guilty of criticizing people for these personal reasons — stop.
Don’t shame other women for the choices they make; these decisions are frankly no one else’s business. Instead, operate by the old adage of treating others the way you’d like to be treated. Uplift other girls, and defend them from those who choose to slut shame. Slut shaming, girl hating and critiques of the personal and inconsequential choices that your fellow girls make does not make you a morally superior, funny or better person. If friends, “frenemies” or strangers on the street aren’t harming anyone, then please allow them to live their own lives. Let them choose their own clothing and decide who they’ll have sex with, and allow the incorrectly perceived responsibility of judgment to lift off your shoulders.
There are plenty of valid reasons to dislike someone — their sexual relationships and clothing are excluded. If at the end of the day, the only thing you dislike about someone is the number of sexual partners they’ve had or the length of their skirt, I would advise that you think about the sociology behind that negativity.
Girls (and I’m emphasizing the inclusion of girls of all races, backgrounds and gender identities here), the world is often a combative place against women. But if more girls defended and uplifted each other instead of degrading each other’s characters, we could stand against the aggression against women with real solutions. Solidarity is crucial. When we are separated and pitted against each other, tearing each other down to rise to another rung on the ladder of male approval, we only harm ourselves.
This isn’t The Scarlet Letter. We live in a modern, gradually progressing society that is past the more egregious instances of sexism, but there is still so much to accomplish. Girls are not sl*ts, wh*res, loose, easy or any other words that are ascribed to girls who express sexuality in a way that displeases others. As women, we are free to express ourselves however and with whomever we choose.
Don’t let the unwanted negative opinions of others influence how you perceive yourself or your worth. Love and care for your friends, protect and defend those ostracized for being “sl*ts,” realize that these words we call each other were created to keep us in “our place,” and stop the sl*t shaming.
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