This Christmas I don’t want my two front teeth, a bike or an unlimited supply of OPI nail polish. All I want is one last day on earth with my dad. On March 31, 2011, my rock, my No. 1 fan, and my hero rose to heaven due to a stroke. Throughout my life, I have had many losses, but nothing compares to this one. You never think something like this would happen to you until it actually does. I’m happy to say my family and other loved ones have been living life to the fullest ever since my dad passed. However, no matter how many years go by, the pain manages to find its way back, especially during the holidays. This will be my fifth Christmas without my dad buying my family corny Christmas presents, singing (very loudly) Bruce Springsteen’s “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” or explaining to everyone around him that this was “his month” because it was his birthday month.
When loved ones pass, experts say that you will experience the 10 stages of grief. These stages range from anger to denial to sickness and even guilt. To me, there are more than 10 stages of grief. I feel as if the loss of a loved one can’t be classified so eloquently into 10 stages. If you have recently lost a loved one, the first holiday season without them can be the hardest. However, you are strong and your loved one wouldn’t want you to sulk during the most wonderful time of the year. Here are a few pieces of advice that have helped me overcome the sadness during this time and embrace the joy during the holidays.
1. Don’t push people away.
During the holidays, people will be checking up on you and making sure you’re okay. In some cases, pushing people away seems like the easiest thing to do, but in reality, it’s not the best for you. I understand that wanting to be alone with your thoughts is a normal thing, but talking to someone about it is much more beneficial. Some people will say “I know how you feel,” but they really don’t. People say this because people can be weird around death and not know what to say to you to make you feel better. Regardless, they are trying and want to make sure they are all ears whenever you want to speak your mind. Don’t be afraid to say what you’re feeling, it’s better to release all of your emotions rather than keeping them bottled up inside of you waiting to burst. I thank God everyday for my family because there’s never a moment where we are not talking about my dad or mentioning him in some way. Communication is the key to keeping your mental state in check with your emotions, during this difficult time.
2. There’s nothing wrong with speaking to a professional.
I hate how the U.S. still has a stigma for people who speak to therapists or take medication for whatever issues they have. You should never be ashamed of reaching out to seek professional help. Addressing the issues you have and looking to get help is very important and good for your well-being. Sometimes talking to your family or friends just doesn’t cut it. A lot of people I know also including myself have benefitted from speaking to a therapist or taking some sort of medication. The holidays can trigger a sadness inside of you that you’ve never felt before that a therapist can most definitely help with.
3. Continue Traditions
Tradition is one of the most special things about the holidays—well, that along with all the delicious food, but in this case, it can also be the saddest. If your loved one who has passed created this specific holiday tradition, you might think, “what’s the point of doing it now when they’re no longer here?” Just because your loved one has died doesn’t mean that the tradition has to die as well. Your loved one would want you to participate in that tradition that is a special part of the holiday, whether that be finding the perfect sized Christmas tree, going Christmas caroling, or making homemade gingerbread cookies. Taking part in this tradition will keep the spirit of your loved one alive and may influence you to look back on old memories that you will never forget while at the same time creating new memories to cherish in the future.
I hope your holiday season is just as joyful and full of love as it was when your loved one was here on earth.
Photo Credit: Alex Ciccarone