I remember taking a course at my community college and in that course there was a project titled, “Every Student Has A Story”. For that project, we had to interview a student, any student, because as the title of the assignment read – every student has a story.
This project really stuck with me from my first year of college to my last, which is why I have been so intrigued by listening to how others have written their own personal stories through the journey of college. Typically one would assume that the journey is about the self – there’s a lot of “when I went here” “when I moved into my apartment” and “when I went to this event”, but some students use a different pronoun: we.
I’ve had the great blessing over my four years of college to meet so many wonderfully unique people from all types of backgrounds, but what has specifically interested me has been the friends I have made who have entered into a marriage during their time in college.
They use the pronouns ‘we’ to describe their memories – “when we went to the beach” “when we studied in the library”. They have thoroughly enjoyed doing their college years with their best friend at their side, and they look forward to receiving their degree with their best friend at their side. From studying to finals, to late night food runs, these collegiettes seem to believe that it’s better to experience college with a husband along the way.
College has this weird stigma surrounding it that a person needs college to be wild; to be crazy, experimental, free, unchained, etc. in order to grow. For some reason college is where you “have your wild streak” and you need to “go through this” before you enter the “real world”. However, that isn’t everyone’s story and the stigma is horrible. You are always free; you’re an individual capable of acting and thinking on your own at all times. Being in a healthy relationship does not keep you from being free. Yes, you can be happy and committed to one person (trust me, it’s real.)
I had the great pleasure of being able to interview my friends for more insight into their decisions to enter such a big commitment during this time in their lives, and these are the insightful words they offered:
1. Why did you want to enter a marriage during college?
Lindsey: I found the person that I wanted to marry and it didn’t really matter to me that I was still in college. We both felt ready for that next stage and were excited to start our lives together so we figured there was no reason to wait.Erikka: I didn’t choose to get married while in college. For me my decision was based on when the timing was right. My husband and I are high school sweethearts, who have been together for 6 years. When my husband joined the military, we agreed that we would take the next step to get married when it felt right for us, not when it seemed right for his career path. I think the most important thing in any relationship is to move at a comfortable pace for both people, there is no need to rush anything, or slow anything down just because someone is telling you that you are too young. Communicate and grow together. Katy*: I found my soul mate and I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Whether I found him in high school or when I’ll be 40 years old doesn’t make a difference to me so entering into a marriage while in college is just a time period in my life.Stephanie: I have known for a long time that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Doug (my fiancé) and I wanted the rest of my life to start as soon as possible! After five and half years of dating and couples counseling courses through our church, we knew we were ready to commit our lives to each other. We both attend UCSD and Doug recently moved into couples’ housing at One Miramar, which is where I will live in a couple months as well. By being a married student couple, we will actually be saving lots of money on tuition. So contrary to what others may believe, getting married this summer would be financially and transitionally better for us. We will be getting married at the end of June this year and next year we will both graduate debt free and have full time jobs.
2. What is the reality of being engaged/married during college? Do you have any cautionary tales for others who want to enter this stage of their life now/encouraging words?
Lindsey: It definitely has its challenges, just like every marriage does. One of the challenges is finance. School is expensive and when there are two of you having to pay tuition and books along with all of the other bills that come along with being married, it can become stressful. Both my husband and I work part-time jobs while in school and also get federal grants and loans, which really help. The social scene also changes when you get married and it can be hard to stay close to your single friends. It’s important to make an extra effort to continue hanging out with them and have girls or guys nights away from your spouse. I would also suggest finding other couples you and your spouse get along with to go out with.Erikka: Being married in college can feel a lot like being a unicorn. Most people don’t expect it, and it can be really hard to explain to other young people why you choose to put someone else’s needs before your own. Especially being in a sorority (and having been married prior to recruitment) it is an entirely different experience for myself than for most of my sisters. I am entirely committed to my husband in everything that I do, from missing events in order to spend time with him, to calling him to make sure he didn’t have dinner plans for us. I think that a lot of times you can feel like a fish out of water, but at the end of the day if you are surrounded with people who support you and are respectful of your marriage then it is a great experience. My advice would be to be conscious of who you surround yourself with, make sure to balance your time, and as long as you have a good partner you will have a wonderful and adventurous college experience!Katy*: While most girls are flirting around and having “fun,” I was always looking for a steady relationship, which was just a personal preference for me. Having my friends be by my side while I plan this wedding has been absolutely amazing. They have been a wonderful and supportive with all of my new life choices. Advice I would give: Don’t be afraid to talk to other college students about what your experiences have been so far. Let people into your life. Your true friends will stay by your side and be there for you while you’ll be stressing about school and wedding planning chaos.Stephanie: There is so much time management involved! I am definitely very busy planning the wedding on top of working two jobs and going to school full time. Whenever I have spare time I still try to be productive (my Google Calendar is ridiculous). I still do go out and have fun but not as much as I used to because I have a lot to prioritize. As far as the planning progress goes, I just sent out invitations the other day and all of our vendors are booked. I also just picked up my dress from the final fitting last week so it’s all very exciting and becoming a reality for me! To anyone who is also tying the knot while in college, I would advise them to make sure they take time for themselves! Even if you have to schedule it, just spend time with yourself, friends, or your fiancé and talk about your dreams and future together without mentioning the wedding! Wedding planning can be a very stressful time and you just have to stay focused on what you can control and take things one step at a time.
3. What advice do you have for other collegiettes who may be considering entering a marriage while still in school?
Lindsey: If you feel ready to marry the person you are with and are confident you want to be with them for the rest of your life, don’t let being in college stop you. One of the great things about marriage is that you have someone to share life’s experiences with, and college is one of those experiences. My advice would be to have a positive and open mind when entering a marriage while in school. Marriage is very different and can be challenging at times but it’s also wonderful and exciting!Erikka: The make it or break it aspect of being married in college is whether or not you have a partner who supports you. My husband is extremely supportive of my education, even over his own career. He encourages me to follow my own dreams and do what I need to make myself happy as my own person. It can be extremely hard to work as a team at an age where society is telling you to be selfish, but I think that a good partnership will encourage each other to have things for themselves, and as long as you are also encouraging your partner, there’s nothing selfish in both of you striving to meet your goals. You are doing it with each other’s support, encouragement and love, rather than on your own, and that’s a very powerful and comforting thing. Katy*: When you know, you know. It shouldn’t matter that you’re in college, because when you find that one person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you would personally feel ready to enter a marriage.Stephanie: To those thinking about getting engaged/married: Your engagement in college may be hard for some of your friends and family to understand, so I would take their concerns seriously but assure them that you understand what you’re doing and why you’re doing it (but I understand how frustrating it can be to try to justify your relationship to people). There will be people to find it hard to believe that a college student can be ready for marriage and that’s okay. Marrying young isn’t for everyone! Of course you and your fiancé will change as you grow. But you can grow together. My fiancé and I were completely different people five years ago but our relationship is better than ever and gets stronger every day!Second to being emotionally ready to get married, it’s extremely important to be financially prepared. I would also advise to make sure you and your fiancé can live below your means. Finances are so important and there can be quite a bit of unexpected expenses while planning a wedding.
4. What has excited you the most for entering this new phase of your life?
Lindsey: I was most excited to start my own little family and to share my life and experiences with another person. I was also nervous but excited for the new responsibilities and independence that accompany married life.Katy*: I’m really excited to have my best friend be a constant presence in my day-today life and be surrounded by his ever-lasting love <3Stephanie: I am thrilled to become a married woman. I don’t think of it as ‘settling down’ but more like my life just beginning. I can still do everything else I want to do in life, but with my husband by my side! I love that we have the unique opportunity to grow up together and grow old together.
5. A lot of times we hear people say that college is a time to be free, single, hook up, etc… How is your perspective on college life different and what would you say to people who might try to disagree with your choice to be married?
Lindsey: I do think that college is a great time to explore your independence and to date around, and there is nothing wrong with being single while you’re in school. For me personally, the single life got old after about a year and once I started dating my husband I really enjoyed being in a relationship while in school. Everyone is different and some people are ready before others.Erikka: I have heard this a LOT. To me, the most important thing about college life is academics. I am here to learn and move towards my goals. Everything else, all of my experiences, are extra. Even if I was single, I wouldn’t be interested in the “hook up” aspect of college. And again I think the most important part of any marriage is to find a partner who encourages you to pursue your interests, so you have the ability to be “free” even if you are married. For example, my husband knew that it was important to me to join a sorority and make good friends, since we didn’t know anyone in the area prior to me going to school here. He continues to encourage me to go out to events and hang out with people, even above spending time with him, because he wants me to be my own person and have my own experiences. We have been together for 6 years and married for 2, but being our own selves outside of the people we are together is what keeps our marriage strong, we aren’t entirely reliant on each other every day.
6. Anything else you want to add about being engaged/married in college?
Lindsey: Being married in college gives you a good opportunity to adventure and do fun things with your spouse before you both graduate and have full-time careers. It is also nice to have someone by your side helping you get through the stresses of college.Erikka: So long as you are marrying the right person, at a time that feels right for both of you, your college experience can be just as enriching as that of a single person. Marriage should never be something that holds you back from something that you would enjoy, it should encourage you and strengthen you when you are worried/stressed/weak. If you feel as though you are losing out on something by getting married, then you are not ready to take that step. You can absolutely experience a college life that is exciting and fulfilling, while having a healthy marriage.Katy*: Being engaged during college has made my experiences be no different than another collegiette. We all go through our own experiences in our journey of finding ourselves and I have successfully done it with my future new partner :)Stephanie: Don’t be afraid to ask for help or advice! Doing everything by yourself is stressful and unnecessary. Planning a wedding in college is a lot of hard work, but it’s worth every bit of it!
I truly hope the insight provided by these women will either comfort you if you have been considering marriage during college, or challenge your views and open your eyes to their perspective on relationships. Regardless of whether or not you may feel this type of commitment in college is right for you, just remember to take the time to listen to other collegiettes and learn from their experiences. Every student has a story to tell, and these women are just beginning to write theirs.
*Indicates a name has been changed for privacy reasons.