This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at UCSB chapter.
FWB. No Strings Attached. Hook Up Buddy. Booty Call. No matter what you call it, it’s all the same, and it all ends in the same way–with failure…and usually a new romantic comedy. It seems as though each quarter evokes the same thought and ultimate goal for both the males and females of Isla Vista and can be articulated as, “I just want a consistent hook-up this quarter, you know, like a friend with benefits.” It always seems like such a refreshing, innovative, and brilliant idea, yet it perpetually crashes and burns within its first attempts. So why the constant failure? Why does such a simple, seemingly mutualistic idea inevitably end in failure? I have found that such failure has three main causes: Power Games, Unshared Outlooks, and those pesky Feelings.
Let’s start with power games. The power struggle between men and women is clear and infinite in our society. Power games make being FWB problematic and complicated. Neither member of the FWB wants to be the one to initiate the communication, i.e. text/call/Facebook the other member first. Although it may sound ridiculous, initiating communication means giving up power in the minds of the FWBs. Evidently, both members of the FWB relationship are attracted to each other and are interested in engaging in some kind of romantic or sexual act; however, neither member wants to give up their power to initiate such act. Each member wants to be sought after and have the benefit of “hooking up.” Power games alone already take the “casual” aspect out of this so-called casual sex, creating a new, tricky dynamic between the two FWBs.
The next quandary in getting involved in a friends with benefits relationship is the possibility of having unshared outlooks on the relationship. “Unshared Outlooks” is an umbrella term for a multitude of various complications. Some of these complications include different views on exclusivity, frequency, and communication. Two people in a FWB relationship may have differing outlooks not on their relationship status, but on their sexual status. If two people are involved in a FWB relationship, they more than likely have conflicting ideas about whether or not they are allowed to get sexually or romantically involved with other people. These conflicting ideas can be detrimental for the FWB relationship and the friendship. In addition, the notion of frequency is up for debate. How often are FWBs expected to hook up with each other? Considering their past as friends, are they expected to hook up every time they just hang out–once two people have hooked up, is there really any way to hang out one-on-one without it happening again? Lastly, the communication between the once-BFFs and now-FWBs is bound to change; you wouldn’t speak to your friend in the same way you speak to your boyfriend, right? Since an FWB relationship falls somewhere in between the categories of “Friend” and “Boyfriend,” the dynamic in communication is bound to fluctuate. The terms in FWB relationships are unclear and can cause turmoil within the relationship. Until there is an official Handbook for FWB Protocol, “Unshared Outlooks” will continue to be a dominating cause in collapse of the FWB.
Finally we get to the last and most destructive of the causes–“Feelings.” Feelings are at the foundation of failure for the FWB, proving to be the root of its defeat. Emotionless sex is far from easy to accomplish. In fact, we cannot physically fight some sort of emotion when we engage in a sexual relationship with someone else. Our bodies trigger a powerful hormone called oxytocin that creates a sense of closeness to that person, making it near impossible to “fight the feelings.” In addition, beginning to see a good friend in a new, romantic light is bound to make the mind wonder–“Could this be more?” The idea of combining a best friend and a hook up seems perfect; people do always say that the best relationships form from friendships. Yet, if you both are not on the same page with the way that you feel about the other, it could end your relationship entirely. Most likely, one of you has developed stronger feelings, while the other has either remained stagnant in his/her feelings about you or hasn’t grown as strong of feelings towards you. Now that one of you has clearly produced strong, unrequited feelings for the other, the relationship cannot go on without avoiding jealousy, heartbreak, and/or awkwardness. Unfortunately, the demolition of your relationship as FWBs indubitably will affect your relationship as BFFs, likely creating a negative influence on the friendship that is near impossible to recover from.
So the next time you consider the idea of making a BFF into an FWB, think about the potential, and inevitable, consequences of your actions–wasted time, pain, and the potential loss of a good friend!