Just like the honey badger, raccoons, and insomniacs, a vast majority of Isla Vista relationships are nocturnal. What do I mean by nocturnal? I mean that most “relationships” that exist in this 2.2 square-miled brothel are only active in the dark of the night. Most relationships can only be seen and heard from 5:37 p.m. to 6:48 a.m. Seemingly, nocturnal relationships have become so embedded and normalized in Isla Vista culture that us Gauchos are not remotely fazed by the fact that we don’t see our partner in the light of day…nor do we plan to. What is happening to us…are we lazy? Socially inept? Scared of commitment? Or are we kidding ourselves, and these nocturnal relationships are really just booty calls? To answer these questions and quell our curiosity, we must first distinguish between a nocturnal relationship and a booty call.
A nocturnal relationship is like a nooky contract two partners sign, committing to a solely nighttime affair that includes not only sex but movie-watching, popcorn-eating, dinner-making, wine-drinking, cuddling, and other seemingly adorable activities. This contract allows for sweet, and even sober, relationship-like acts but only in the nighttime. Forget about seeing this person in the light of day—the only meal you two will be having is dinner, and maybe a midnight snack. Nocturnal relationships are sweeter than booty calls—less hit-it-and-quit-it, toot-it-and-boot-it, bop-it-and-drop-it, whip-it-and-skip-it, and more boyfriend-girlfriend-esque. However, this contract will become void if you or your nocturnal relational partner talks about “labels,” starts shacking it, begins inquiring about your exclusivity status, or asks for help moving or for a ride to the airport.
Nevertheless, in some cases, it is hard to decipher if you are just a booty call or if you are a nocturnal partner. It seems that, through no fault of their own, some UCSB men have become socially inept when it comes to dating. These Gaucho boys have not the slightest idea on how to court a lady–especially if the affair commences in an…ahem, expeditious, intoxicated manner? This type of beginning can cause your boy to only muster up the courage to text you during nighttime weekend hours. A good rule of Isla Vistan thumb is if your man texts you during the week, or before 8:00 p.m. on the weekends, he is suggesting interest in a nocturnal relationship or even a real relationship. This act of courtship is analogous to the male savannah baboon displaying his buttocks to his desired female…but a little less graphic. If he shows you interest in moving things forward, the next move is up to you—you must decide if you want to be a booty call, nocturnal relational partner, or even a girlfriend.
If you decide to be a booty call: keep your texts short, sweet, and nocturnal, and only see him/her at night for a quick session—no cuddling, no shacking it. If you decide to enter into a nocturnal relationship: keep your texts casual, in the hours of the night, and your emojis to a minimum, but reap the benefits of being allowed to be adorable—go see a movie, get fro yo, or just spoon until the sun rises…then get the hell out. If you decide to be a girlfriend: make the texts funny and flirty, feel free to shack it and cuddle, and initiate daytime contact—start with lunch and ease your way into a Saturday hike.
Nonethless, if you have commitaphobia but feel that booty calls are too impersonal, then nocturnal relationships are exactly what you are looking for. But the evolution of the Isla Vista nocturnal relationship is not an indicator that romance is dead. Instead, the nocturnal relationship is perhaps simply evidence of Darwin’s theory of the survival of the fittest. Conceivably, real relationships may not fit into our environment of parties and casual sex, and maybe the real relationships that develop are simply mutations. Even so, it is up to you to make a relationship what you want it to be—so choose what makes you happy.