Nothing is scarier than worrying about how someone you love (family member or friend) will react to you coming out. Saying it to yourself and then to someone else can feel like two completely different experiences! While we cannot always control how the people around us will react to our truth, here are a few tips that will hopefully help you come out.
1. Find a community that will be objective and ask for sympathy
Whether it’s one person or a group of people, having someone you know you can rely on is critical to keeping you healthy and happy throughout your coming out process. Pick these people wisely—they will be your shoulder to cry on when others are less than supportive. They need to have your back, listen to all you have to say, and always be there for you at the end of the day.
2. Express your feelings
Sometimes it’s easier to write (or sing, or act) your feelings rather than say them. Whatever your art, use it as a vehicle to express your truest emotions. Not only will it be cathartic for you, but it also might just help someone else along the way.
3. Find a safe haven
This could be anywhere, but it should feel like a safe space for you to cry (as there will be tears), write, or even just think to yourself. You’re going through a lot. Give yourself a break from the second life you may feel like you have been living. It’s exhausting to not be entirely, wholeheartedly yourself. Take time to regroup. Take time to be alone.
4. Talk to someone
Members of the LGBTQ+ community have a disproportionately higher rate of suicide than members of other groups. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, LGBTQ+ youth are three times more likely to contemplate suicide and five times more likely to have attempted suicide compared to heterosexual people.
If you are at a point in your life when you feel like you might harm yourself or others, consult The Trevor Project or call a 24-hour suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Do not wait. Take care of yourself now.
I personally sought help from The Trevor Project when it came to navigating through adolescence, like having a crush on someone when you’re not out or how concealed it feels when you can’t express your likes, dislikes, and feelings with friends and family. I even sought help when I was at my last thread with life.
5. Watch coming out videos
Listening to the stories of others can provide a lot of hope and inspiration as you begin your coming out journey. There are so many videos like this on Youtube and Facebook. Take courage from those who have gone before you and learn from their experiences.
I have a HUGE affinity and soft spot for coming out videos and stories, whether they are Youtubers or storylines in shows and movies. Now that I am out, I can empathize with how each person might have felt when they were struggling to come out while acknowledging other people’s experience. At the time of my coming out, I relied on these videos religiously as my bible; I cried and wept quietly in the middle of the night when everyone was asleep so that they did not hear the content I was listening to.
6. Have an alternative place to stay in case your situation doesn’t work out favorably
Sometimes, things just don’t work out. People who seem accepting may be concealing their prejudices. Have someone you trust to lean on if your situation may threaten your safety. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from a friend, extended family member, shelter, or even a funding app.
A trans-male friend of a friend, for example, sought help via GoFundMe and with enough funds, was able to financially support himself with an apartment space after his family disowned him. He had arranged plans with a friend and their family in the meantime, while his GoFundMe was accruing in support from strangers internationally.
7. You don’t have to know what you are yet
Chances are, you don’t know what you identify as. The LGBTQ+ community is a dynamic group of people that range from different gender identities and sexualities, so it’s no surprise if you find it overwhelming to find your place in it. Take your time! Explore and figure out your interests in your own way.
For example, as someone who looked “male” in appearance (as I refuse to ever say that I was a male), I thought that I was gay because that’s what society told me when it came to boys liking boys. It took four years of being called “gay” (and that’s only the nicest insult I received) by friends and family alike before I realized that what I identify as is not a sexuality thing; it’s matter of gender identity. Within those several years, I had undergone depression, failed suicide attempts, an eating disorder and the discovery of the term “transgender,” a word I soon realized would have a major importance in my life.
So take your time. I did not know what transgender was until my friend told me that her brother, who was in one of my classes at the time, is transgender. Despite feeling like a girl all of my life, the term sparked out of nowhere.
8. Wait until you are ready
No one should pressure you to come out. Only do it on your own terms.
When I was comfortable and passing as best as I could as a woman to not confuse people, I came out as transgender as casually as possible. Now, although my story was a breeze and by no means involves any notable tear-jerking moments, that does not mean I wasn’t scared out of my mind. I’m constantly coming out to classmates, professors, strangers and new friends and family members, and sometimes I have to explain the term “transgender” and have a comprehensive discussion with them on visibility, discrimination and more. Other times, the conversation trails off in an awkward, uncomfortable amount of “uh-huh”s and head nods. The best times are when I am welcomed by a hug of support or even a “cool,” both of which contrast the number of ignorant questions framed by years of TV shows and movies presenting a certain view of transgender people and the community as a whole.
9. Talk to a queer individual in your community
It might feel uncomfortable to confide in a complete stranger, but their life, experience and story might be able to give you some comfort. Ask for advice, share your experiences and feelings.
I had my brother, who came out as gay the time I was beginning to understand that I’m transgender. We had and continue to maintain a strong bond and talk about guys just as we do about social rights and school.
At UCLA, we are fortunate to have an entire resource center allocated as a safe haven for queer individuals (or just about anyone, for that matter). Queer people swarm around there and it’s interesting to see them as serious students—doing homework and not partaking in any hypersexualized tropes as told by bigots and seen in movies.
10. Don’t expect to find love right away
It’s hard enough figuring yourself out. Immediately throwing yourself into a new relationship may not be the best bet, especially if you’re still struggling to come out. Relationships can help you learn more about your identity and sexuality, but they can also be overwhelming. Communication is key: talk about your concerns when you start seeing someone new. If they’re worth it, they will listen.
Although the idea of being in a relationship has constantly been floating around my mind, it still doesn’t feel like the right to for me, and I came out to my family and friends three years ago. I only recently started hormones, so I’m waiting for my body and mind to adjust to this new stage of puberty. If you know puberty, you know that it’s awkward and sometimes painful, so I don’t want to seek a relationship when I’m not where I want to be in my life emotionally, mentally, and physically.