So you think Thanksgiving is a happy holiday? You love sweet potato pie, mashed potatoes, and who can forget the seasonal favorite: stuffing. Spiced stuffing, creamy stuffing, vegan stuffing! It’s everywhere! Do you know who doesn’t like stuffing? Herbert and Donald sure don’t appreciate it; sweet Cranston and Barrington could definitely go without it. Now, who are these men you ask? Are they the never revealed benefactors of Pip from Great Expectations? NO, they are the overlooked turkeys sold across America this week whose hopes and dreams were dashed away when families decided chicken just would not cut it. So here are a couple things your turkey never got the chance to tell you:
1. Charlesworth had a family of 4. Four little child-turkeys running around at play, until they came home and their daddy was nowhere to be found. (Side note: someone call Tyler Perry to write this screenplay.)
2. Herbert was an accomplished accountant. Well, an accountant. But he took pride in his cubicle! He’ll never push paper again, just get pushed inside your mouth.
3. Donald was the best chess player on the farm. Now he’ll never move a knight to B4, you’ll just move him to your oven.
4. Barrington played the life out of his clarinet every night – to his neighbor turkey’s displeasure.
5. Nigel never was too good at sports, but he played a fantastic game of quidditch in his mind.
6. Vincent was going to propose to his longtime turkey-girlfriend Talfryn! Actually, he might be happier on your plate – Talfryn was very demanding.
7. Tommy always kept the light on in the barnhouse for farmer. Now it’s lights out for Tommy.
8. Arthur led a life of peace and happiness as a humanitarian. On Thursday he’ll be sliced into a piece that gives your uncle happiness. Oh the irony!
9. Cobblesworth wanted to go sky dying someday! See the Pyramids! Watch the entire Mad Men series without falling asleep!
10. Rodney was a stockbroker by day, and a mixtape rapper by night. He was heavy in the streets! He was just about to pop! Hmm, actually it seems that he did.
Photo credit: Title Image, Image 1, Image 2, Image 3, Image 4