Walk into any big box store and you will see them everywhere. Large displays of blue and white, covered in snowflakes, with faces smiling in an animated yet relatable way that was crafted ever so delicately by animators for months before deemed to be the perfect amount of animated yet relatable-ness. I’m talking of course about the anomaly that is Disney’s latest Frankenstein of a creation, “Frozen”, that came out a year ago.
…did you miss that last part? I said A. YEAR. AGO.
For anyone that knows me, you know that Disney is a very integral part of my life; I basically only came to UCF because it is so close to the most magical place on earth (that and I didn’t get into UF…but that’s beside the point). I love Disney and all of the monsters it has created, even Miley Cyrus, but since I walked out of the movie theater last Winter Break after seeing “Frozen” I thought it was just that, a movie.
So someone tell me why it seems that “Frozen” is being hailed as some kind of all powerful deity amongst all the other animated Disney movies?
Answer: Branding
Disney has made Anna and Elsa the #1 product endorsers of all time by slapping their faces on everything but the kitchen sink*. According to the New York Times, Disney estimates that “Frozen” brought in over 1 billion dollars in the past year just in retail revenue alone. In addition, Disney also sold approximately 3 million Queen Elsa dresses this past month, which also happens to be the number of 4 year old girls living in America.
*Coming Soon: “Frozen” the house ware line. All your favorite characters from Disney’s animated feature decorating the inside of your home! Warning: ice furniture may melt.
It’s absurd how frozen-frenzied it seems everyone has become, especially for a girl who never wanted to “build a snowman” in the first place. However, the thing that really gets me is not the prevalence or persistence of the film, but rather how everyone seems to think that it is the greatest thing since sliced bread. People who claim to have “never liked Disney” before suddenly are the ones flooding Disney World to see Elsa light up the castle for the special entrance holiday party and buy slutty Olaf costumes for Halloween. To me, it seems that everyone has forgotten that there are other *cough better* Disney movies out there that have the same ~revolutionary~ aspects to them that everyone loves about Frozen. And while everyone is entitled to their own opinion, let me just point out that “Frozen” comparatively pales in some of these aspects.
1) Strong Female Character Who’s a Bad Beyotch
Listen, Elsa is cool, but on a scale of 1 to Beyoncé, Elsa is like a Kelly Rowland (sorry Kelly). Yes she’s got the fierce hairstyle and literally rules, you know because she is the queen and all, but in actuality all Elsa does in the movie is get pushed around by her parents, becomes horribly ashamed of what makes her different, and then runs away from her problems. Generally those are not qualities one looks for in a role model…
But another top notch lady you all might remember actually stands up to her parents, joins the army, and saves China! Now what was her name again…oh yeah, Mulan. This fabulous Disney princess overcomes not only gender bias but additionally is a true hero; you don’t meet a girl like her every dynasty!
Additionally Elsa and Mulan are both independent women who don’t need no man, but Mulan gets one in the end anyway…you see my point.
2) Anna is SOOOOO Relatable
I’m not entirely sure what about a red-haired princess from a made up land with a sister who has magic ice powers is all that relatable, but I see the appeal based on her personality. Anna is the kind of awkward girl that is endearing because she makes other people feel normal, but after a while ultimately gets annoying. She’s the kind of girl that we can make fun of for stuffing chocolate in her face and say ‘LOL THAT’S SO ME’ when we know, in reality, that is totally not you. She does not have any real aspirations and her only problems are really only relatable to other girls who have sisters with magic ice powers. All in all, Anna is kind of a flat character comparatively to other Disney princesses.
Let’s compare Anna now to Princess Tiana. Now I’m not saying that turning into a frog and having to get help from a voodoo swamp witch is relatable, but Tiana does have real goals and expectations. Anna is busy day dreaming about what lies outside her palace walls and her future Prince Charming while Tiana has a job and is working to become an entrepreneur (#hustle). Maybe there are more princesses with Ice Queen sisters out there than I thought there were, but for me Anna and I don’t exactly have all too much in common.
Actual representation of a college student
Side note, when I asked my sister who she thought was a relatable Disney character she said this:
Yeah the crazy evil queen that wants to kill Snow White and keep her heart in a box? Even SHE is more relatable than Anna.
3) Cute Comedic-Relief Characters
Has anyone ever looked at Olaf? Seriously, you cannot tell me he is cute. And you absolutely can NOT tell me he looks like a baby unicorn. I really have no idea why he is idolized by so many (again, I’m talking to you, all the girls that were slutty Olaf for Halloween) unless you enjoy being categorized as dumb, ugly, and naïve.
You know who is really cute? That little green buddy named Pascal from Tangled. He’s the real MVP. Honestly, he is a super compassionate chameleon, Rapunzel’s only real friend, and totally has her back. When Flynn Rider breaks into tower, Pascal is right there to help interrogate him and protect Rapunzel from danger. Those are qualities I’d like in my sidekick, not to mention how nice he looks in a dress.
And do not even get me started on the weird rock trolls in Frozen. They literally do not make any sense to the plot whatsoever.
4) The Songs ERMAGERD
First, let me break down some of these songs:
“Let It Go” has been hailed as the female power solo of the century with its all too moving lyrics like:
“Let it go, let it go”
And
…the ten other times that phrase is repeated.
When you listen to the song, in actuality, the whole think is Elsa lamenting her ice powers and being an angsty teen, complaining about how no one gets her and how she can do whatever she wants. Strangely enough usually when I’m feeling that way I pull out the old Green Day/All-American Rejects playlist on Pandora, not the Idina Menzel one. (Fun fact: “Let It Go” was written in one day, which I think explains its lyrical genius.)
“Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” gives the girls who think baby voices are sexy an anthem.
“Love Is an Open Door” is Disney ironically making fun of themselves in a really gimmicky, try-hard way.
“Reindeers Are Better Than People” is a completely true statement, I will not try to fight it.
Despite these points, looking at the soundtrack as a whole the most quizzical part is that 2/3rds of the album are just weird folk sounding instrumentals. Incidentally, this makes me extremely confused why anyone would pay $8 for that noise when they could get the Tarzan soundtrack for the same amount!
If you do not know, the Tarzan soundtrack was composed by Phil Collins who, according to Wikipedia (which I find a reliable source despite high school English teachers saying otherwise), is one of the most successful songwriters and performers of all time. OF ALL TIME! Phil Collins voice really is a mixture of Fergie and Jesus and I never get tired of listening to his soothing voice reassure me that he will always be there to “just take my hand” and “hold it tight”. That is the kind of music that our generation of angst filled youths should be listening to. Not to mention that N’Sync is featured on this soundtrack. Take that Frozen.
You’ll always be in my heart boys.
5) Plot Twist
One of the most extraordinary things that people believe happens in Frozen is that Hans, who appears to be the stereotypical handsome prince protagonist, actually turns out to be the villain.
OHHH MY GOD WHAT. WHAT IS HAPPENING. EVERYTHING WE KNOW IS A LIE. ARCHETYPES ARE A LIE. NOTHING IS REAL. SOMEONE TELL THE HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH TEACHERS.
Now before everyone’s brains explode and there is a riot I would like to point out one thing. You can pretty much see that Hans is a shady guy from the beginning. Any boy that big sis does not trust is immediately a red flag for all intensive purposes not to mention the completely ironic pretenses which he proposes under (please see “Love Is an Open Door”). Anyone over the age of 7 should be able to see what is going on. Hans merely is pretending to be something he is not in order to get what he wants. Wow, I just cannot think of a single other time that has happened in a Disney movie.
Shocker.
What really would be a plot twist would be if Disney made a movie where evil prevailed over good and the villains were the winners. That is never going to happen, not that anyone would want it to (sorry Maddie).
In conclusion, do not let the excessive amounts of branding Disney has done with “Frozen” lead you to believe it is the most magical creation the animation gods could have bestowed on us princess-loving plebeians. Frozen is a good movie do not get me wrong, but there are other movies out there that showcase the same great things that Frozen does. What I am really saying is that after a year of having this song stuck in our heads, it is finally time to…