“Guys and girls can’t just be friends.”
I never wanted to believe that. As a girl who has always had a far easier time befriending guys than girls, I always hoped I’d be able to be good friends with a guy without ever being obligated to cross over into any romantic relationship territory. And so far, I’ve been able to maintain two long-term friendships with guys. But, the thing is, one of them is gay, and the other is one I’ve known since birth, who I consider a cousin. Still, people frequently assume I must like both boys as more than friends.
Early on in high school, I became friends with a guy whose personality really clicked with mine. Our senses of humor worked well together, and I truly did like him as a person, at first. I just was never attracted to him. He found that out soon after confessing his love for me, but we still remained friends. I hoped things would go back to normal, but they never did. Whenever I thought things were finally completely platonic between us, he’d try to make a move at the movies, randomly shower me with gifts, or, again, tell me how much he loved me. He once called me a “shallow bitch” for refusing to love him back. After a few years of trying to stay friends with him, I could no longer take the unwanted affection. I had started to become paranoid walking home from school, fearing he would walk up behind me and strike up conversation, as he’d done before. I eventually knew I could no longer be nice to him, and realized it wasn’t me who had the problem, it was him. So, in my senior year, I just began avoiding him and blocked his phone number. Finally, I was at peace.
Fast forward to college. The first friend I made happened to be male, of course. We hung out on exactly three occasions. I never complimented him or said anything that could be interpreted as flirtatious. I simply talked to him and hung out when he invited me to, because, without any other friends that first week of school, I wanted to at least do something.
But when he asked me to hang out a fourth time, and I said yes, I didn’t expect him to ask me to come watch a movie with him in his dorm. I left the message on read for a long while, because I did not want to go. I wanted so badly to believe that we could literally just sit and watch the movie, but a part of me also knew he would try to make a move and I would have to reject it. But I hardly ever say no to friends, and so I told myself that I would be able to control the situation and defend myself if necessary. Feeling uneasy, I finally agreed. But as I made the long walk across campus to his building, the feeling of unease grew stronger. My stomach churned, I felt a lump in my throat, and I almost began to cry. I knew that if I said no, he probably would not want to be friends anymore, but I also knew that no good would come of me going over there. Flashbacks of all the unwanted advances from my friend in high school, and even of the times I remembered feeling violated by past boyfriends, raced across my mind as I walked. The sickening feeling in my stomach worsened, and I thought I was sure to burst out in tears. I was several yards away from his building when I finally turned around to walk away. I did not text him to tell him I wasn’t coming until I was already walking back. I didn’t want to risk being guilted into going.
Of course, he implied that I had led him on, and I had to apologize. But I didn’t feel sorry. I’m not sorry. I know I never said or did anything I would do if I liked a guy. I don’t know why hanging out with someone of the opposite sex has to be read as code for “I want you”. Maybe that sounds stupid because we’re so used to assuming guys and girls can’t be friends, but there is really no reason why they can’t.
It’s not my fault for wanting friendship. I wasn’t “asking” for anything by befriending a guy.
So why do I, and many other women who find themselves in a situation where we have to “friendzone” someone, have to apologize? It’s one thing to lead someone on and then pretend no harm was done. But why are women demonized for genuinely being a platonic friend to someone and then making it clear that that’s all they want?
Yes, it hurts when someone doesn’t feel the same way. Women get rejected too, believe it or not, so we know the feeling. But if a girl is not flirting with you, don’t assume she wants you just because she hangs out with you and enjoys your company.
I may have lost some friends, and that hurts too. But I’m glad I stood up for myself when I did not feel comfortable. I don’t owe anyone an apology, and I sure as hell don’t owe anyone romantic feelings.
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