We’re all guilty of it. We lay there in bed with our hair in a messy bun, no make up on, unshaved everything, and still swipe like we’re Heidi freakin’ Klum. To be fair, our standards fluctuate depending on our mood. If it’s been an awful day and we’re feeling gross, then all the subpar looking guys that we’d never acknowledge in real life – get a right swipe. We expectantly await our “It’s a Match!” screen to pop up, because lord knows you’ve just bestowed a great honor upon this peasant. And if you don’t get the match, you tell yourself it’s because he hasn’t had a chance to swipe on you yet…obviously. I’ve only just begun to dissect the innards of the Great Value brand of Match.com that we call Tinder. Shall I continue…?
Why girls use this app:
Essentially, we’re looking on Tinder for the type of guy who would never make a Tinder account. Makes total and complete sense, right? Deny it but it’s true. With every left swipe, we hold onto this tiny glimmer of hope that the next guy we come across won’t look like Zach Galifianakis…post a tragic car accident. I full heartedly believe half of these guys live in caves and only come out to create accounts and swipe to keep in touch with the world. I digress. All we want is a non-threateningly attractive guy (we have to be the prettier one in the relationship) with nice teeth, ten fingers/toes, a full head of hair, and a bio that doesn’t mention his desire to get near our pikachus. There are thousands of ladies on this site and we’re all searching for the holy grail version of a man. May the swipes be in your favor!
Why guys use this app:
To find and engage in the act of fornication…ideally for a one time occasion…and preferably at an hour past midnight.
How girls and guys interact on this site:
Most of you ladies aren’t like me – extremely forward by nature. I message guys first because I’m impatient and aggressive, and clearly unapologetic about it. A majority of you wouldn’t dare to message a guy first for whatever self-entitled reason you’ve proclaimed. Yet, these same people will act appalled when a guy doesn’t message them within two hours of matching. If you see something you like then you should take the first step. All the guys I’ve hit it off with, never messaged me first. So yea, DO IT.
Guys, on the other hand (well the douche lords of the site), know what’s up and will usually spit their “best” game at you ASAP. I put the word best in quotes for a legitimate reason. If I could send just one of the sickening messages I receive on Tinder, to that guy’s mom, I could die the next day and feel as if I did the world a great service. Now who would I be if I didn’t give you a visual, real-life example of what I’m talking about…
See, chivalry isn’t dead! It’s buried in a capsule out in Haiti with a volcano forming above it. BUT it isn’t dead!
The best Tinder responses you can use:
I’d like to exemplify some A-typical Tinder conversation starters you’ll be sure to come across at some point in your ventures. I’ve encountered the ones listed below on a multitude of occasions. I hope you use one of these comebacks if you ever witness any of the following convo starters:
1. “Hey. I really like your (insert body part)!”
Answer: “I like turtles.”
If he doesn’t get the reference then he’s an idiot. If you don’t get it, then you should probably Google it. You’ll thank me later.
2. “I’m only in town for the night. Want to grab drinks?”
Answer: “I drink top shelf, in excessive amounts. At this rate, a prostitute would be a cheaper option for you.”
3. “I’m just looking for hook-ups on here.”
Answer: “I’m just looking for someone to help me open this jar of pickles. I hope we both find what we’re looking for.”
Tinder has the ability to be the creepiest and most insulting app you’ve ever used. It also has the potential to be a fun drinking game, entertainment for your friends, a unique topic at holiday gatherings and even an article for an online magazine. I choose to use it for all of its fun capabilities – I suggest you start doing the same. Don’t be the Dora of the friend group who hates on the app…keep on swiping my little Swipers!