“I don’t shine if you don’t shine.”
It’s a lyric from a great song by The Killers — “Read My Mind” — and also the ideology behind the Shine Theory. Journalist and “Call Your Girlfriend” podcast host Ann Friedman wrote about the Shine Theory in an article for NYMag.com, and in the piece, she argues that women should strive to uplift other women, rather than compare their successes against each other and compete.
“When you meet a woman who is intimidatingly witty, stylish, beautiful and professionally accomplished, befriend her,” Friedman says. “Surrounding yourself with the best people doesn’t make you look worse by comparison. It makes you better.”
The Shine Theory could apply to female friendships of all kinds: those between adult women, between younger girls, between mothers and daughters, between mentors and their mentees. But the Shine Theory is especially important for friendships between those who identify as college womxn.
Why? Well, college women today face so many unique challenges. We’re female millennials. Many of us are young activists, pushing for intersectional feminism to be something that the public at large cares about. On a more universal level, we are all in the midst of climbing out of a metamorphosis between youth and adulthood, trying to find ourselves and the people we want to become. Then, we try our best to swallow our confusion, doubts and inhibitions to prove to the real world that we know what we are doing and that we belong here.
In college, we are often riddled with anxiety over our own worth when we feel as though we’re shrinking in the background, watching our peers ace school, score amazing internships, find life partners (or breeze through life with no problems on their own), and look incredible in practically everything they wear. Or, all of the above and more.
Insecurity is normal in small doses, but it becomes poisonous when it bleeds into our relationships, creating toxic and competitive friendships in which we validate our own existence by minimizing others. These relationships become the reason why popular culture often sees friendships among women as fake, judgmental, bitchy and dramatic, with the those involved always plotting against each other and finding ways to tear others down.
“Insecurity” was perhaps the defining word of my freshman year of college. It was difficult, to say the least. I could count the number of friends I thought I had on one hand, and I felt profoundly alone in the world. At the same time, I saw other women continue to make a name for themselves in college. I envied them as I often sat alone in my bedroom, thinking I would never be nearly as cool. Even worse, I turned “I don’t shine if you don’t shine” into “You shouldn’t shine if I don’t shine.” I realize now that I was constantly jealous of my friends’ happiness, wondering why they weren’t experiencing the same lackluster life that I was.
The solution? The Shine Theory.
This year, I joined Her Campus, and it has positively transformed my life. I’ve stepped out of the shadows. I’ve taken hold of the hands of badass women who are powerful in their own right, but who never look down on me unless they’re lifting me up. My new girlfriends have been sparkling lights in my life, reminding me that no matter how daunting the world may seem, my little space in the world is filled to the brim with accomplished women, ambitious women and supportive women — which means that I’ll be okay, too. Better than okay.
Even in my darkest moments, I can tell my friends the truth about how I’m feeling and expect to feel better in mere seconds. I’ve texted my friends about days of negative self-talk where I didn’t feel too confident about my body image. Almost immediately, they responded with love and reminded me of my beauty. I try do the same for them. When my friends are anxious, I’ll put together care packages and remind them of what they have going for them, even when our futures after college seem uncertain. They’re armed with bravery, kindness, resourcefulness. And most importantly, they’re amazing friends.
Friendships between women can truly be the most heartfelt love stories (think Ann and Leslie on Parks and Recreation). They are not subsidiary to any other relationship, or frivolous and shallow like they’re often thought to be. Indeed, they are remarkably powerful; they are transcendent and able to outlast all the jobs, lovers, trials and tribulations that we might encounter in our lifetimes. They keep us going like chicken soup for the soul. They are so important.
Because when we take a moment to reflect, we can realize that it’s already a hard-knock life for most of us. In a world where we’re still secondary to men, overwhelmed by the pressures of school and work and ignored by those that refuse to acknowledge our intersectional identities, we’d be utterly alone if we didn’t hang on to the women that put on their bravest faces, grin and continue to find happiness. A good friend once quoted something she’d read: “A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.”
And it CAN be that easy. Plant your roots in friendships that are nurturing and lean towards the sun together, becoming stronger as you grow closer to a brighter future — for all of you. Bloom, shine and empower other women to do the same.