Communication:
If you are like the multitude of slackers who decide to become a Communication major, then you have made the right decision. This major is not only the least demanding way to approach college and the easiest ticket to an undergraduate degree, but it is also the most applicable in social settings. In every classic college movie, there are those unforgettable moments when one bold person stands up and, amidst their drunken revelry, gives a few inspirational words to encourage their fellow partygoers. Take a page from John Belushi’s motivational speech in Animal House: impress a room with an exhibit of your poorly thought out logic and persuade the crowd with dangerous suggestions to partake in almost certainly illegal behavior. Now, with the skills you learned –or should have learned– in CMN1, this should be a piece of cake. However, voicing your opinions in public can be nerve racking. I would recommend starting out on a smaller scale with an important Public Service Announcement.
“Everyone! EVERYONE! Sara is doing her first keg stand! Let’s count for her!”
Who knows, maybe when you have built up your confidence, your speech will land itself a place in history next to the words of some of the most inspirational people in America
“I have a dream that someday, every Asian will be able to drink alcohol without getting the Asian glow!”
… but probably not.
Needless to say, your oration skills, if properly applied and well executed, are almost guaranteed to earn you the true sign of respect: a slow clap.
Economics:
Maybe back in the day there was a purpose for studying derivatives, but I don’t see it now. I mean, that’s why we invented computers and Al Gore invented the Internet, right? However, as far as your social life is concerned, there is no better subject to excel in than economics. Just imagine the pride on your friends’ faces when you can quickly calculate the price of a handle and divide it up between all of those sharing in the fun. If you’re a true mathematician, you can even memorize the difference between certain brands of alcohol.
“Okay, so if we want to go for inexpensive, let’s go for a plastic handle, maybe some Popov, for the small price of $13.00, which is only about $2.00 per person. But if we’re feeling, like, classy tonight then let’s go for the glass handle and get Smirnoff for $21.00, which is only $3.50 a person. Either way it should give us about five shots each, just enough to get us tipsy… unless Maggie joins in as always and mooches off of our alch without paying for it. Betch.”
These talents will have your friends fawning over your intelligence.
“Emma, you are like the Einstein of getting f******* up!”
Nothing reveals an academic mind quite like the ability to quickly determine the cheapest way to get drunk.
English:
Basically this is the major for everyone who has no idea what they actually want to do in life and simply want to buy themselves some much needed time. But don’t stress, your time in English class has not been in vain. As far as I’m concerned, there’s no skill more prestigious than the ability to drunkenly text with flawless grammar. I can’t think of people I am more envious of than those who can artfully avoid the regrettable comma splice or embarrassing misuse of the correct “there/their/they’re” during drunken conversations.
Kim: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii comee oveeeaarrr. Theirs no onre herae.
Prospective Booty Call: (no response)
Clearly, Kim has been skipping her English class and it could cost her a fun sexcapade. Let’s see what would happen if Kim had paid more attention:
Kim: Heyyyyy *. What are you doing this fine summer’s eve? Would you care to come over and entertain me with some of your amicable company? My roommates are all gone and my humble abode is vacant so we won’t have to worry about their presence interfering.
Prospective Booty Call: Why yes, Kimberly. Your immaculate grammar has wooed me. I’ll be there shortly.
* = While this is not the grammatically correct form of “Hey”, it is still acceptable because extra y’s simply indicate the level of enthusiasm, as well as the determination of the sender to get some.
Great use of the proper “their” Kim! Your application of seemingly pointless English skills into a real life situation was impressive and displayed true academic excellence. Your professor must be stoked he could help you out in this important conquest. Shakespeare would be proud.
Science:
Being a science major is cool, I guess. Yeah, sure, there are these little things called atoms that make up matter and our body creates ATP in order to provide us with energy blah blah blah. I can honestly say I DGAF and so does the majority of the real world. However, your decision to major in Exercise Biology was not in vain. When one of your fellow party-ers gets a little too enthusiastic with their celebrations, you can be there to let everyone know what’s up.
Half-concerned spectators who are really more interested in freeing up the bathroom as quickly as possible: “What’s wrong with Steve?!”
You: “Don’t worry guys, I figured it out. His over-consumption of ethanol has led to an overdose and now his body is purging itself of its excessive ingestion.”
Half concerned spectators: “So…”
You: “Yeah, he’s puking. Probably gonna be fine soon though.”
Or perhaps you have used your science knowledge in the most productive way possible and have mastered a couple of anatomy courses. I don’t feel like I need to elaborate on the positive influence this has on your fellow classmate, so on behalf of the student body (pun absolutely intended), we thank you for your contribution.
Whether you have decided to spend your academic time curled up with an irrelevant work of Chaucer as you attempt to decipher ridiculous Old English grammar, or you have dedicated your studies to uncovering the who-gives-a-f*** details of a microscopic cell, just remember there is always a real world application you can find for these pointless endeavors. As we head into this new year, heed the advice of the great, and always down to party, (see Marilyn Monroe affair for further explanation) John F. Kennedy and ask not what you can do for your studies, but what your studies can do for you.