As it is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, this is an experience shared anonymously on behalf of her story:
My first exposure to Anorexia was in terror-inducing black and white images of girls staring at distorted mirrors, girls so thin that they screamed alarm. The danger zone, keep out, keep away. I closed Tumblr instantly, vowing to avoid images like those for life. Little did I know that I did not know enough.
As soon as the pressure and stresses of my life worsened in the beginning of high school, I turned inwards. There seems to be two methods that people take to deal with their issues, one being to turn outward and search for the deepest kind of love and support in their lives or to turn inward and conceal their issues from the world, pretend, act, fake because everything is okay. Or it had to be. People who focus all their attention towards themselves in times of trouble are so prone to becoming critical of every little aspect. And that’s what I did–my grades weren’t 100%, that had to change. I was unathletic, that had to change. My thighs rubbed in my jeans, that had to change.
I took it upon myself to become fitter and eat healthier and it became the worst of the worst obsessions. Every ounce of food I ate, I tracked. Every ounce of movement I did, calories out. Obsessive did not even describe the mental state that occupied my mind. Discipline, steps that concretely reminded me that I was doing everything in my capability to be better, to be perfect. It spiraled into foods that I felt were unsafe. Foods that I vowed never to touch- no bread, no meat, no rice. Fruit in the morning, salad for lunch, salad for dinner. Actually, forget about lunch, you don’t need that was the voice that filled my head before I knew it. Rigidity ruled my life.
I recall one night where my family decided to go to a restaurant earlier than planned. Having not done my 6 mile run for the day, I cried. How was I supposed to consume anything if I hadn’t burned off the calories? Things did not get any easier in my relationships with anybody. Two years into my eating disorder, one of my closest friends at the time brought forth the idea that she admired the way I ate and the way I exercised. Little did she know I had a disorder. When she began to mirror my eating habits, I did everything in my ability to ask her not to imitate me because I would not wish this on my worst enemy let alone my closest friend.
I’m five years into my eating disorder (EDNOS), not otherwise unspecified, and I can tell you that I have days where my heart clenches and I am terrified that I won’t get to say goodbye. Recovery is rough but I am going to be strong enough. I have to be.
-Anonymous