Battling Homesickness: A College Sophomore’s Op-Ed

To whoever said, “home is not a place; it’s a feeling”:

Homesickness doesn’t only occur for those living abroad; it also occurs for those whose home is simply not “here”, even if that means “here” is only two miles away from wherever, whatever or whomever “home” may be.

When I read the title of my own post, I oddly remember one of my favorite TV shows, Blue’s Clues, from my childhood past, almost instantly. Perhaps because what I’m about to elucidate is so gloomy and blue from what I normally write. But homesickness is normal, even though I wish it wasn’t and in that spirit, I’m going to gleefully pretend that the following is too (even though it isn’t).

Ever since I’ve started college, I haven’t experienced a single day of pure happiness. Of course, there’s the allure of independent adventure, the unrestrained excitement concerning adulthood, the enhanced future career prospects, the club recruitments, the hectic sorority applications and membership fees that keep me busy, and a plethora of other activities – but none of them touch at the core of my heartstrings. At least not in a way I’d prefer.

I don’t expect it; college isn’t about smiling and giggling. It’s about learning and studying, and learning again — about yourself, your surrounding world, the people around you, the textbooks you’ve rented/bought, and the worth of that loan you just took out in order to attend the next four years of your life. It’s about – what I’ve read on most reddit forums – “being selfish” simply because this time won’t ever come again in your life (I’m overjoyed that’s painfully true).

It’s about figuring out the true value of this amazing — and costly — investment we call “education.” It’s a cliché I’ve heard so many times and it’s become annoying to the point that my brain hurts the minute I contemplate it; my neurons are prepared to feel pain whenever I discuss my ‘lack of passion and cheer’ in college with anyone who’s already graduated from university life. I respect that.

I never expected college to be a beautiful ride on a carousel. I expected it to be the same feeling that I got whenever I moved up a grade; moving from middle school to high school was nowhere near as tough as it was when I moved from high school to higher secondary education at an undergraduate institution. I understand: I’m moving higher through the ranks, higher up the ladder of sacrifice and time and value and edification, so everything is, naturally, supposed to be harder in order to achieve the said stage of education. It’s time to “adult” and it’s not going to be easy. Everyone struggles: I’ve got the point.

“The carousel never stops turning.” — Dr. Ellis Grey from Grey’s Anatomy

I never thought it would be like that never-ending carousel.

I also get this: I’m a student, so I am a lifelong learner of all things in life. Learning never stops. Skills never stop forming and honing themselves. Characters never stop polishing themselves. LinkedIn profiles should never stop updating themselves. Lives never stop perfecting themselves. And, likewise, we should never stop educating ourselves. It’s all well and good.

But how do you fix the blues? How do you stop that impending, crushing feeling inside your mind and heart that signals that all is lost? That everything is flawlessly doomed?

It’s doomed.

Those grades aren’t high enough. They may look like A’s now, but they’ll be D’s — yup, those same D’s that your Mom uses to call you “daughter” with — that will make you end up dropping out. The same D’s that I’ve watched so endlessly in on Tom & Jerry cartoon shows – the ones that usually stand for the “Dunce” hats for those seemingly worthless kids in class who end up sitting in the dark corner of the room, humiliated and denied from learning.

How do you stop the cyclical, all-embracing flower of negativity from enveloping you, from the inside-out? How do you end the trail of rhetorical questions quizzing through your mind when your next two Finals are within the next eight hours — back to back? How do you also go through this all when you know that every single person on campus is going through situations far worse than yours but you’re barely faring well within your own low and highly limited set boundaries?

You’ve already set a bar so low for yourself, Aliza. Lower than everyone else. Give it up.

NO.

It’s all normal. Look at everyone else. Assess their lives, their privileges (or the lack thereof), their housing situations, their smiles, their laughs (or the lack thereof), their tears, their stresses, their families, their finances, their resources, their histories, their grades, their academic capabilities, their course loads, their majors, and see how happy they are. They have been through worse in the past, and are going through much worse in the present, in the Spectacular Now (so much for quoting movie titles). But, they will go through much better in the future — unlike you.

It’s a whirlwind of sadness, a galvanizing void of dejection — one that encases you in its entire being.

It pushes you down into a five-dimensional realm of despondency, and reminds you that, even though stars need darkness in order to shine:

1. You are not a star

2. You do not shine

3. You CANNOT shine

4. You will never be able to reverse 1–3 and

5. You will always be surrounded by darkness

6. You will always follow one through five, listed painfully above

To this, I hear, “C’est la vie.” (Or something along the twisted lines of such)

Such is life.

Yes, it is unfair. But this much?

College is supposed to be about taking risks and being HAPPY about taking them and being okay with the consequences of such choices. But for those who fail to take such risks, and simply take on the involuntary challenges that come inherently as part of studying in a world-class institution, their lives should not feel like trapped packages of blackness. They should not feel like there are some vicious black clouds hanging 24/7 over their distressed heads.

The black clouds should live with me during midterms, and finals, and essay submission periods, and the like. But they have no right to seek shelter when I am walking back to my apartment, coming back from the lecture halls, or waiting in line for my Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino or my 12 ‘’ Subway sandwich. No. Way.

However, they breathe within my trachea and host my life and my heart like permanent parasites. They reign my veins.

Homesickness has almost become as prominent of a cognitive hallmark as my rigorous academics have been at Cal. It’s breathed distress and impairment into my life in small, gradual amounts, similar to a “silent killer” that is slowly making me burn-out far quicker than I would have otherwise.

I miss her. Mama. I miss her so much, it hurts. It doesn’t matter that I’m studying at the “№1 public university in the nation”. It adds prestige, value, worth, respect, honor, and so much meritable jazz, but it never adds what I need: Happiness. Joy. Contentment. Satisfaction.

And yet, it was always my dream. It was my sole choice. My decision. My thought, ambition, and dream.

Until I actually realized it finally became true. Then, the ambition disappeared, the joy and prosperity of the choice vanished into thin air, and a mysterious aura of constant consternation, stress, and tension replaced all of the aforementioned positivity.

Most overwhelmingly, I missed home. The perseverance to control my “I cannot go home every weekend” thoughts are a constant struggle; it’s just an added pain. This was normal and I was well aware of all that is expected to come with college. But, to be homesick one whole year after college has started? Why is that even possible?

I don’t even care about the “How?” part; I never have.

I only care about the “Why?” part, so I can fix it, and move on with it. Earning my degree, successfully, making the most of this time and exorbitant investment of money and opportunity, refining the so-called “college experience” and being as marketable as I can, is one of my most important duties, both as a daughter and as an individual college student investing into my future.

So far, I still haven’t figured out how to let go of the “black cloud.” Sure, I know how to run away from it; I just remember how the transience of these four years is inevitable, and how temporary all this thankfully is. I just move out as soon as Finals are over and I have nothing to do with that place, that environment, that location — that milieu — anymore. Then, I snap back out of whatever I was into, and I’m me again. Not the me who’s frolicking on grassland prairies wearing a pink dress with penguins on it, holding a teddy bear with uncontrollable joy and happiness, but the me who was just OK with everything that existed.

Running away from your problems (in the sense that, one departs only after one has completed all academic commitments successfully and to one’s absolute best potential) is something I’d never recommend to anyone. But, it’s worked for me.

I hope it does until my homesickness and all its concomitants are no longer a problem anymore.

P.S. To many this article will seem a rant of sheer negativity and callous melancholia, with disrespectful and conservative undertones. To those, I would like to confess, that despite whatever perspectives I lay out here, they are solely my own emotions and opinions and form only a single facet of the collection of feelings that every human – every college student – experiences on a day-to-day basis. Coupled with these harshly cynical and pessimistic words are strong feelings of gratefulness – for everything I have so easily been given. I am eternally grateful and blessed for all the opportunities I have had in life; indeed, I am aware of those who are going through circumstances and traumatic emotions far worse than mine, and far more involuntary/serious than mine and I sincerely hope that life takes a beautiful and permanently lovely turn for sunshine and prosperity for all of those individuals. May those people be gifted with whatever beneficial opportunities you desire – easily and successfully. Take care, collegiettes!