Tattoos are such a unique thing. I mean, honestly, you can customize a piece of art for your body. You can use your skin as a blank canvas. Whether the tattoo means something to you, or it’s something beautiful you want on your body, or even if it’s just for fun with no meaning or reason behind it, tattoos are pretty cool.
My newest tattoo is the word “stay” three times on the left side of my back. For most people except myself, that doesn’t really make sense and is also kind of lame. I got it from a poem by Tyler Knott Gregson. This said poem is one of my favorites on the planet.
“I sang my way
through the day,
a simple song
with a single word,
over and over
into the grey.
Did you hear it,
did it find its way?
The song I sang was
stay,
stay,
Stay.”
I first read this poem a few months after one of my best friends committed suicide. I was on the website of an organization called “To Write Love On Her Arms.” Tyler Knott Gregson’s book, “Chasers of the Light.” All the poems are from his typewriter series. I would for sure recommend this book, as he is a phenomenal poet.
I remember sobbing after I read it, because it struck a chord in me. If you’ve ever experienced a loss like this, the question that one asks themselves the most is, “I cared so much, so why didn’t you stay?”
After my friend died, I researched relentlessly. I learned every possible fact, figure, statistic and warning sign of depression, self-harm, and suicide. I completely dedicated my life to knowing everything I could so I would not have to say goodbye to someone too soon ever again. I have asked so many people to stay, stay, stay.
Cut to November of 2016. Another one of my best friends committed suicide. For a while, it felt like all the research, memorization and training didn’t matter. It felt like I would never be able to get anyone to stay, and that people I loved would leave in the same way. I went to a few therapy sessions immediately following their death. The reassurance and coping techniques I gleaned from those have become indispensable as this new wound heals.
Last month, my cousin committed suicide. I wasn’t as close to him as I was with my friends, but it still hurt. Every time, it’s the same yet different. The hurt is real, and in your face, and cuts deep. I think what makes these kinds of deaths all the worse, is that they truly are completely preventable. I could go on and on about how depression has been linked to genetics, how neurotransmitters have to do with someone’s state of mind, and how 2 out of 3 people with depression never seek help. I really could.
I got this tattoo because that poem has helped me through all of their deaths. I got this tattoo because I wanted each of them to stay. I got it on my back, because I wanted them to know that I “had their back”. I got the word three times not just because it says it three times in the poem, but because each of them meant something to me. I got this to remind myself of what I have lost, but also of what I hold dear.
Staying sometimes can be hard, and I understand that. Everyone has lost someone one way or another. I think what I want to say with this article is to ask you to stay. Maybe to inspire you to ask someone to stay. One of the things that is said over and over a lot in “To Write Love On Her Arms” is that people need other people. I want to be a person that needs and is needed by other people, and I hope you are too.
If you would like to learn more, go to https://twloha.com/