I can say what I want about these 10 things, because four years ago I was doing the same things. Now I understand better why I stood out like a sore thumb. So, sorry Freshies, but you’ll understand in a year or two!
1. Wear lanyards around their neck
A lanyard around your neck is the Scarlett Letter of college. I fully understand that free stuff is exciting, and it holds your student ID, super dope, I know. But you aren’t helping your case. Take the lanyard off, and put it in your bag pocket. Suddenly you’ve gone from freshman to just another miserable college student.
2. Cross 15th and Ivinson when there are 2 seconds left on the clock
I’m well aware that the crosswalk at the intersection is short, and what’s worse, it takes forever to change. On the other side, I know how irritating it is when I’m late leaving work and rushing to get to class, and you guessed it, I am stuck waiting for a herd of freshmen to cross the road. Even though I have a GREEN LIGHT, I am at a standstill waiting for you to get your lanyard wearing self across the road. If you are going to cross the street with 3 seconds on the clock, I better see some knees to chest.
3. Complain about Washakie
I was also guilty of this. I used to talk shit on Washakie like it was my job. Now that I know how expensive groceries are, I would kill to have a buffet at my disposal. There are so many great options at Washakie, and you need to take advantage of them. Trust me, Ramen and hot sauce just tastes a lot like poverty.
4. Brag loudly about the party they were at this weekend
I get it, it’s a big deal to go to a party and not have to worry about lying to your mom about where you are. College parties are fun, if they aren’t you’re going to the wrong ones. It is blatantly obvious, and kind of painful, to listen to you brag about how many cups of jungle juice you had Saturday night. I know that is not your inside voice. I know that is not how you usually talk to your friends. While I’m happy you had fun, tone it down, and keep a little mystery to your weekend.
5. Dress to Impress every damn day
Here’s the scenario: I’m taking a freshman level class last semester to bump my GPA. The final is at 8am. I show up at 8:03 wearing the same shirt I spilled my beer on last night, my hair is in a bun I did while driving, I have a donut I snagged in the atrium hanging out of my mouth, and my coffee is to the brim. I throw myself in a seat only to realize the freshman next to me got up in time to wear a sweater dress, matching jewelry, curl her hair, and have flawless makeup. This is the difference between being a freshman and being a senior, folks. You’ll get over the “I have to look perfect” mentality soon enough.
6. Act chipper in an 8am
First of all, stop. It is 8am. The only reason I am in this class is because it’s the only time it was offered. I am not here by choice, or to be your friend. Please understand that it is too early for me to function, and if it’s a Friday I’m probably hungover.
7. Brag about high school accomplishments
I get this all too well, I was a straight-A student, with every extracurricular available on my résumé. The thing is, once you get to college employers don’t care about your high school accomplishments. They want to know how you work as an adult, and how you push yourself when mommy and daddy aren’t around to hold your hand. While you are freshmen, it is a little more acceptable than when you’re at a bar telling a girl about your batting average in high school. Doesn’t matter how many drinks you buy, no girl wants to stroke your high school ego, or anything else for that matter.
8. Introduce themselves on the first day of class
Just don’t. If I’m in a freshman level class, know it’s not because I want to be. I am not here to be your friend. I am not going to give you my number. And I’m not buying you alcohol this weekend. I am here because I, A. failed it the first time, or B. really just need a GPA boost. Make friends with your fellow freshmen, not me.
9. Travel in herds
Okay, this isn’t as bad as you get further into campus, but I go to the business building every day. Y’all are so close to the dorms that I actually have to cut you off, or wait for a herd of you to mosey on by before I can continue on my way. I understand that it’s exciting to live with all your friends, but I’m about to get a cattle prod to get a little pep in that step.
10. Complain about their roommate situation
You think your roommate sucks now? Just wait till you live in an actual house that requires cleaning, grocery shopping, full time dishes, and being locked into a lease. You have it made in the dorms. If you have a huge issue with your roommate, you can move out. Hell, for $800 extra dollars you can move into a single room for a semester. When you sign a lease, you are stuck in it for the duration you signed. If you break it you can face additional charges, losing your deposit, and possibly getting taken to court. So enjoy your roommate while you can. I promise that once you move into a house or apartment, you will miss the simplicity of the dorms.
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