To the girl I used to know,
In your life there will be a moment that marks a before and after. This moment will change you, but never let it define you.
When you are sexually assaulted you will tell yourself that it was your fault. You will say you were too drunk. It will take time, but you will learn how to call it by its name. You will learn that he knew what he was doing, he knew it was wrong, and he has no excuse.
You are terrified to tell anyone. They will blame you, say that you shouldn’t have been hanging out with him. Everyone else seemed to know that he wasn’t a good guy, but you were blind to it. You chose to see the best in him. I’m sorry he proved you wrong.
Drinking will not make it go away. Keeping it inside will not make it go away.
You will tell your best friend on your birthday, she will cry. You will learn the hardest part wasn’t telling the first person, it is learning how to tell different people again and again.
Walking into a counseling office and admitting something is wrong will be one of the hardest moments of your life. You are strong enough to do it. Your counselor is an amazing person who always knows what to say. You will walk out of the room feeling so much lighter.
When you talk about it everything will feel raw. It doesn’t matter how many months pass, every time you think about him you will be taken back to that moment. It’s the work that needs to be done.
You will delete his number, block him on all social media, and somehow you still see him. When you walk on campus you will look into someone else’s face and see his. Your hands will begin to shake, so you stuff them into your pockets and keep your head down.
Fear will suddenly walk into your life and make itself at home. You’re afraid because it happened so easily, when for so many years you thought ‘that will never happen to me.’ And it continues to happen again and again for so many others. I’m sorry, but I don’t have an answer for this.
It will be a long time before you can say you are okay. It will take talking to people, reaching out to others, and listening to yourself. You will learn how to live out your hopes rather than your fears.
It will take you an even longer time before you are okay with writing about it. The girl who has for so long used words to heal herself no longer finds magic in them. Sentences will come to you in pieces, like Morse code trying to tell you something is wrong and you won’t understand.
Do not worry, you will find your voice. You will write again.
There are still so many things you wish you could say to him. You will have so many unanswered questions. You will have trouble understanding how someone you were so close to would be the one to hurt you.
Forgive him, but first forgive yourself.
From the girl who has lived through it
If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual assault please reach out. The STOP Violence Program is a resource available here on campus.
SAFE Project 24-hr HOTLINE: 307-745-3556
Walk-In Hours: 10am-4pm
Dean of Students Office
Department 3135
Knight Hall 118
1000 E. University Ave
Laramie, WY 82071
Phone: 307-766-3296
Email: stopviolence@uwyo.edu