Periods are the worst. You hate them. I hate them. Let’s just assume everyone hates them. Thankfully though, there are 10 simple rules to follow in order to survive the horror story better known as, “that time of the month.”
1. I am allowed to be emotional.
My body is going through a lot, and because of that, my emotions get the brunt end of the stick. Sometimes I cry over small, adorable animals. Other times, I get angry because someone ate all the ice cream… Even if it was me who ate all the ice cream…
2. It’s best if you just don’t talk.
Don’t take it personal. As I said before, I’m highly emotional already. So when you open your mouth and say something idiotic it’s not about to end well for you. For your own safety, unless you are saying, “You look beautiful!” or “I brought you chocolate” just don’t say anything at all.
3. A period is actually satan leaving a woman’s body.
Okay, maybe it’s a bit extreme. There’s actually scientific reasoning behind a woman’s period, but I’m no doctor and it still confuses me, honestly. So to me, the best way to describe a period is as some awful satanic ritual that happens once a month, where I try to cleanse my body of this unholy feeling. It’s painful, ungodly, and long, but once it’s over, I promise you can have your little angel back.
4. If I say I am craving something, you have T-minus 2 minutes to get it.
It would be wise to figure out what your girl craves during her period. All I want is Hot Cheetos and cheese dip. My roommate will eat an entire box of frozen pretzels with a side of chocolate. No matter what your SO eats, make sure you have it on hand and ready to go, or be prepared for a meltdown of epic proportions. When in doubt always keep chocolate on hand.
5. I don’t count calories during my periods, and neither should you.
To be fair I don’t count calories the rest of the month either, but I REALLY don’t count them during my period. If I want it, I’m going to eat it. Because when I’m bleeding, the meal isn’t over when I’m full, it’s over when I hate myself. During this week I need you to look the other way, eat your sad carrots in the corner, and utilize rule #2.
6. Cramps? Their like getting kicked in the balls. For a week straight. All. Day. Long.
If I’m curled up in a ball, or doubled over, I want you to imagine my pain. Think about the last time you got hit in the balls. Now imagine someone keeps hitting you over, and over, and over. And right as the pain starts to ease up, and you are feeling better, imagine you get kicked in the balls again. Period cramps are the absolute worst. Show some sympathy.
7. I will say or do stupid things. You will not hold it against me.
Remember that whole emotional thing we talked about? Well luckily for you, I say some stupid shit when I’m emotional. I’ll probably repeatedly ask you if you love me, if you think I’m fat, and if I’m annoying you. I’ll probably shed some tears, and then be laughing at myself in two minutes, just to cry about the fact I’m laughing at myself. What I’m trying to say is, I don’t even understand why my body hates me and acts this way, so we are both going to pretend nothing happened the next day.
8. Best friends and roommates sync up. So bring double chocolate.
Women do this super adorable thing where they sync up. If you aren’t sure what that means, here’s a quick synopsis. Double cramps. Double emotions. Double cravings. Double periods. So if you are going to your girl’s house, and her roommate is going to be home. Don’t be a tool. Bring enough chocolate for the both of them.
9. Period panties are real, and we don’t care that they aren’t sexy.
This isn’t some urban legend. A lot of us actually have period panties, and we wear them. I’m not about to wear my cute little lace thong, and risk bleeding all over it. It’s so much less stress for me to put on some less-than-attractive panties and throw out all my shits I had left to give about how my butt looks.
10. Remember to love me, no matter how the week goes.
This is the most important part of all. For the most part, I hate me on my period, so I know you aren’t particularly fond of me either. At the end of the day though, I need you to remember to love me and all my weird cravings, emotions, and period panties. Okay, you don’t have to love the period panties, just tolerate them.
Periods are awful, but if you listen to my advice, they won’t have to be.