What do I contemplate during my nineteenth birthday dinner? I was pondering over how far I have come as a queer woman, obviously. I stared out into the Gibsons harbour as glimmering sunbeams reflected off the Salish Sea, nearly blinding my vision of my lovely friend Kim for a split second. I am a lesbian. It is frustrating because I often illogically think I am the only lesbian in the entire world, leaving me feeling alone and strange. I held an inner belief of completely disgusting unworthiness, therefore, I would never find a girlfriend. My mind ran wild, imagining I would be single forever, I would never have sex, I would never have a wife and I would never have children! I created a vision of myself as a middle-aged woman hoarding every puppy in the tristate area while simultaneously drowning my sorrows in buckets of ice cream. Why would I care about my lactose intolerance when I was destined to be single forever? The aches and bloats in my stomach would serve as punishment for my utter undesirability. As a result, I panicked, looking for queer women as potential dating partners obsessively everywhere I went. If I glanced at a rainbow button on a person’s bag on the bus, I became saddened upon their departure because obviously they could have been my future wife–what a missed opportunity!
This is precisely why I shocked my friend Kim the moment I bluntly stated, “I don’t want a girlfriend.”
“I have listened to you complaining about not having a girlfriend for an entire year. Wow,” Kim responded, staring back at me while awaiting my explanation.
I smiled and glanced at the bustling restaurant. There were people laughing, waitresses running back and forth with alcoholic concoctions balanced on their serving plates. This fun, brightly painted restaurant with pink and turquoise was brand new and thriving, yet still learning how to be powerful, inviting and successful. Lunitas, the new Mexican Restaurant in town was just like me. I am learning to be fun, adventurous, successful, well balanced and amazing. I am developing my own stride and I won’t let another human being to stand in the way of the self-growth and self-love I am feeding every single day.
I am at a liminal phase in my life and I am about to transition into exactly who I was always meant to be. I am not ready for a girlfriend because I am not totally clear on who I am becoming. The places I am going are blurry, yet they energize me, pushing me to keep experiencing new things until I fully understand who I am. I cannot have a girlfriend because I do not know myself well enough to know which person is right for me and I do not want to waste my time on a relationship that will not last and will not add to my self-growth. With that said, it’s entirely possible for me to fall in love and later end a relationship. In fact, I know that will probably happen considering it happens to most people before they find their one and only. That is okay though because every single relationship in our lives serves a purpose.
I have quit my obsessive quest to find a girlfriend. I quit imagining, our wedding and what our petri-dish children will look like on first dates. I quit hiding aspects of myself like my love of healing through yoga, meditation, strengthening my connection to spirit and following my intuition. I quit shrinking my own values and talents to make others feel comfortable around me. I quit going on dates with people who do not set my soul on fire. I will show up as my authentic self and my potential romantic partners can take it or leave it.
The first step to that process was deleting Tinder. I spent a year obsessively checking my Tinder profile for new messages, going on lame dates with no chemistry, feeling lonely and feeling unworthy of love. Admittedly, my idea of a lame date may be different than most people’s because I make decisions about whether or not I would like to spend time with someone based on the energetic vibrations I pick up. I cannot explain it. Many of my close friends set a fire in my belly, igniting passionate and in-depth conversations. Whereas, the people I have been on Tinder dates with have been quite inauthentic. For instance, once I went for coffee with a girl who loved working out. She was evidently very concerned with her body image, as she mentioned it several times in our conversation in a bragging manner. She flexed her arms a couple of times as well, smirking and checking to see if I was intrigued by her hard-earned muscles. However, it was clear to me that her excessive working out was coming from an insecure place and not a place of self-love and betterment. Tinder was highly frustrating for me because I repeatedly found myself feeding shallow connections. It’s no wonder I did not find the beautiful connection I was looking for while feeling so inadequate in my ability to foster and maintain my romantic relationships. I was coming from a deeply insecure place, so it makes perfect sense that I was continually meeting people who were as stuck in their feelings of unworthiness as I was.
Finally I sighed and breathed in fresh salty air. Kim’s brown eyes, long blonde hair and bright pink shirt shifted back into my focus. Sometimes I travel off into my own world mid conversation. She raised her eyebrows and grinned proudly. I did not have to tell her all of this because she already knew. She often knows me better than I know myself. She was simply quietly waiting for me to come to this realization on my own.
September is now ending! It has been three months since that memorable birthday dinner with my best friend. I have decided that rather than spending my time looking up the most inspiring quotes and finding the best angle for my selfies which invite people to swipe right on my perfect Tinder profile, I will be strengthening my passions. Lately I’ve begun to come into myself more. I’ve decided to complete my Bachelor of Elementary Education at the University of Victoria. I love children and I am a future educator that will fight like hell for children to be their unique selves. I have amazing friendships, mentors and connections in my life. I will be spending time loving them and learning from their wisdom and their own experiences. I have a passion for writing which I am feeding at this very moment and I will continue to write my inner monologue, hoping that maybe somebody finds it interesting. I am completely in love with yoga and meditation. I am doing yoga two times per week at CARSA and I am attending the meditation circles through the Interfaith Chapel at UVic. (Mondays and Thursdays from 4:30-5:15 p.m.) I am truly coming into myself more than ever and I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life.
I am happier than ever, so why on earth would I need to jump into a relationship blindly? That’s right, I do not! I want to fall in love with my life, serve others and learn to love all parts of myself. I am going to trust that one day I will have a girlfriend and someday in the future I will even have a wife! Until then I will be committing to my own self growth and serving others. My wife and I will meet at a perfectly divine time—just not on tinder.