National Data on Campus Suicide and Depression says that one in every four U.S. adults experiences a mental health issue in a given year. One in every four. Think of the thousands of classmates stuffed into the Big House on a chilly October day, or the 24 people in your Spanish section. Think about your close friends: the people who take your phone away from you when you’re not doing your homework, the ones who let you borrow their sweatshirts when you were too optimistic to pack one, the people you blame for your lack of sleep because they keep you up laughing every night. A quarter of them have experienced a mental health issue in the past year. And how many did you know about? One? Two?
It’s kind of strange that mental illnesses are such a secret. In our culture, when we have a physical health issue, we don’t even think twice about telling others and getting help. People who have physical health issues know they’re not alone. It should be the same for mental health issues. These people struggling with mental health issues aren’t mysterious figures hiding in the shadows of facts and statistics. These are our friends. Here are a few stories of regular girls who happen to deal or have dealt with a mental health issue.
Part 1: How It Started
Alyssa*: In high school, I developed an unhealthy mindset when it came to food and body image. By refusing to get better, I brought a lot of negativity to the world. I was always angry. I didn’t hang out with friends because everyone irritated me. I had no motivation to do my schoolwork. I lost my sense of humor and it was impossible to make me laugh. Whenever I tried to spend time with my family, I would say something rude and someone would get upset. I was living a nightmare.
Audrey: It started in third grade. I was sick to my stomach all the time, I shook uncontrollably, I couldn’t do certain things because my anxiety would literally paralyze me. I started getting panic attacks in middle school. I would break out in cold sweats, trembly, cry… Then the depression kicked in. School got hard. Most people are bursting with (or at least have a little) motivation, but I ran on empty almost daily. Talking to people was exhausting, everything was exhausting. Sometimes I would just start crying for no reason, and couldn’t stop, or I would stay in bed for days at a time.
Lauren*: I’ve had anxiety since childhood, which took the form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in elementary school. It got worse as I grew up, and while it helped me maintain my grades, it also led to bouts of depression when I started high school. It reached an all-time low when I moved to Ann Arbor. My first semester was horrible. I would wake up with crippling anxiety that would persist throughout the day. I was terrified of not making friends, scared I’d fail my classes, upset over the loss of my grandpa, and languishing over how much I missed the people I left behind.
Part 2: Struggling to Get Help
Alyssa: I recognized the unhealthiness early on and knew that my thoughts weren’t normal. However, I didn’t think I deserved to get help because I hadn’t lost much weight and was eating in the caloric range of normal. I remember crying myself to sleep, thinking, I can’t wait until I’m bad enough to get better. It sounds illogical to a healthy mind, but mental illnesses messes with your logic by nature. It’s actually extremely common to feel like you’re “not bad enough” to get help. And here’s a PSA: No matter how “bad” you get, you’ll never feel like your case is “bad enough.” This is why you need to tell someone as soon as you recognize the slightest problem. If you keep waiting, you’ll be waiting forever.
Audrey: I didn’t think depression was real. I believed the stigma that it was “all in my head” — because it was. Depression is a mental disorder. It’s literally in your head… Mental illness is exactly the same as any other illness, the only difference is the location.
Part 3: Why Get Help?
Alyssa: I wished that I was one of those people who brings nothing but light and love to the world. Some people offer advice and comfort and leave everyone around them feeling better about themselves. I wanted to be like that, but I was too tired and angry. Getting professional help was the most selfless thing I could do. My parents and school counselor set me up with a dietician and a therapist.
Audrey: I didn’t see a point in continuing my life, because I was miserable and didn’t see how things could improve. I couldn’t see how my future would be, I could only see the present, and it was awful. I started college, and one day in October I scared myself enough to ask to see a therapist.
Part 4: Seeing a Therapist
Alyssa: It gets worse before it gets better. Therapy for a mental health issue is very similar to physical therapy. The therapist pushes you out of your comfort zone. She makes you do things that you don’t think you can handle, and it hurts a lot. As badly as I wanted to get better, and as great as the people I worked with were, I grew to dread my appointments. I didn’t think I was capable of doing the things she told me to do (like eating certain foods or certain portion sizes), and when I did do them, it didn’t feel like I was getting better. When I followed the assignments I was given, my anxiety got much worse. Some days after lunch at school I couldn’t even go to class because I would just go to the bathroom and start crying over anxiety about what I’d just eaten. And if I was able to complete the challenges without anxiety, I was overcome with guilt and felt like I was lying about my problems and that I didn’t deserve to be getting help. The same “imposter syndrome” that kept me from getting help at first persisted throughout my entire recovery, telling me I wasn’t sick and didn’t deserve any treatment.
Audrey: I wasn’t diagnosed right away. I talked to my therapist about how I was feeling, and we talked about my life thus far the first couple sessions… She then asked me some questions, ran some tests, and officially diagnosed me with moderate depression (and severe anxiety). I was prescribed an SSRI antidepressant to target both the anxiety and the depression.
Lauren: I started seeing Kathryn* in October. She listened to my history with mental illness and taught me techniques to curb my anxiety. I made some serious lifestyle changes, but decided against medication.
Part 5: Now
Alyssa: Like physical therapists, my dietician and therapist knew what they were doing. Despite the pain that came from recovery, I started to have days where eating, laughing, and studying felt normal and natural — sort of like walking on a leg that had surgery a few months ago. There were also days where I woke up with horrible anxiety and pain and I was convinced I’d never be better. That’s part of the recovery process and you just have to keep going. Slowly but surely, I got my life back. After so much pain and so many days where I just accepted the idea that I’d never be better, now I’m vibrant and full of life.
Audrey: I’ve been on medication for about 4 and a half months now, and my world is literally turned upside down. My anxiety has gone almost completely away. The depression has decreased in severity enough that I can function like I would normally be able to. I’m not ashamed to be on medication… For me, I needed it. I wouldn’t be here right now if I hadn’t gone on it. Depression is a 100% chemical thing, and medication helps me regulate the chemicals.
Lauren: Eventually, I got better. I was able to wake up in the morning and want to get out of bed. My days weren’t plagued with exaggerated worries, and I found joy in the activities I did. I managed my anxiety. I am sharing this to show that mental illness is not something to be ashamed of. It shouldn’t be treated as a dirty secret, or something that causes you to be looked down on by others.
Getting help doesn’t magically solve everything. Some people face mental health issues their entire lives. Even those who are fully recovered still have to make a conscious choice every day not to let their old habits make a reappearance, and some days this is much harder than others. However, as long as we treat mental illness like some dirty little secret, the issue will continue to get worse, not better. Even if you have a disease that will probably never go away, you should continue to seek treatment and receive professional advice on how to live with this disease. Let’s stop talking about mental illness like it’s a rare, mysterious problem, and start realizing that it affects a quarter of the people we know. A quarter! It’s all around us. Let’s not ignore it.
*names have been changed
Photos courtesy of Hannah Harshe.