College consists of endless opportunities to not only expand our academic knowledge and prepare for a future career, but also to build relationships with classmates and find a group of people who “have our back.” Though freshman year is known as the time when everyone is anxious and eager to meet new people, forming new friendships does not and should not stop after the first year of college. We change with each college experience, and growing up internally results in the need to expand our networks to meet new people who match our current interests and life-perspectives.
Let’s not lie, forming friendships is tough. Not only do you need to find the time, but you also need to have the energy to get to know people. Finding someone with whom you feel a genuinely good vibe is rare, and when we find these individuals, we wish to hold onto them, sometimes too tightly! Much like maintaining a romantic relationship, friendships must be balanced between your time as an individual and the time you spend with friends. Otherwise, the friendship which initially seems refreshing, can quickly become overwhelming and cause more stress in your life. A common friend many people fall victim to is the “clinger,” someone who just cannot seem to get enough of your charming self, and though the attention is sweet at first, it gets old quickly.
Typical traits of a clingy friend:
1. She texts you regularly (and frequently) asking if you have plans after class. She finds some way to hang out with you, whether it’s eating together in the dining hall, studying at the library, or hunting you down in the dorms.
2. She seems extremely interested in your life, hobbies, and interests.
3. You notice she agrees or seems to have all the same interests as you (what a coincidence!).
4. She’ll plan holiday breaks together way in advance, like where you guys should go for winter break or spring break.
5. She goes out of her way to do favors for you.
*Note: Not every person will exhibit these traits, but displays at least a few of them.
The clingy friend may represent someone who’s dependent on friendships to define her self-worth. Many people commonly engage in interactions, which are defined as communal relations when forming friendships. Margaret Clark, a professor of psychology at Yale University, studies communal relationships, where close friends, family, and romantic partners, give each other favors without the expectation of repayment (van Lange, Kruglanski, & Higgins, 2011). However, clingy friends not only participate in communal relations, but overcompensate through favors to get people to like them.
Ironically, many clingy people are insecure and distrust the people around them. Hence, though they are prone to provide many favors for people, they doubt that others’ will have their back when they need it. Their lack of self-esteem causes them to be defensive and lash out at others when their friends are not so willing to give all their attention to the insecure individuals.
Thus, a girl who seems to bend over backwards to be your new friend may be trying to avoid her feelings of insecurity. The lengths to which she goes to gain your friendship may be overwhelming, but her intentions aren’t malicious; however her sporadic attitudes towards you may lead you to distance yourself from her.
If self-confidence is the issue, sit down and talk to her. Figure out what’s really bothering her. If she isn’t willing to fess up to any deeper feelings, then explain your situation and that you enjoy spending time together, but your life is busy and you need to give time to other friends as well. Shift your focus to her in the conversation, and figure out her real interests. Depending on her responses, suggest possible extracurricular activities she could join, or what the status is of that new guy she’s been gushing about. Introducing new dimensions to her life, can help fill your shoes as her sole diversion.
Everyone wants to feel like they’re worth something, and people channel their emotions differently. That clingy friend, though extreme in her actions, may also show beneficial traits such as support, loyalty, and eagerness to be there for you. So, why not give her a second chance, help her grow, and the experience may bring you two even closer together.
Reference
Clark, M.S., Mills, J.R. (2011). Theory of communal and exchange relationships. In
P.A.M. Van Lange, A.W. Kruglanski, & E.T. Higgins (2011). Handbook of theories
of social psychology (232-250). Los Angeles, CA: Sage.