If you type the phrase “millenial dating” into a search engine, you will be bombarded with hundreds of articles with the exact same theme: romance is dead.
I am here to tell you that romance is not dead. Our generation is not destined for loneliness. In fact, I have spent the past two years in a relationship while also in college. When friends ask about my relationship, they are often astounded that two college students have maintained a healthy, happy relationship for such a long period of time. The most frequent question I am asked is, “How do you do it?”
So, to prove that romance is not only alive, but also possible for everyone who wants it, here are the “secrets” to maintaining a long-term relationship in college.
*Disclaimer: This advice is based on my experiences, which I recognize are unique to my life and may not apply to every couple.
1. Communication is key.
If something is bothering you, speak up. If something is making you happy, speak up. Communicate your emotions to your partner. This goes both ways, by the way, as neither men nor women have the ability to read minds. This also applies to being honest about your intentions before you enter a relationship. Do not say that you are okay with being “friends with benefits” if you are, in fact, not okay with it. This will only result in heartbreak and confusion. Figure out what you want, and make it clear to your partner.
2. “Let’s talk about sex, baby.”
Speaking of communication, being open and honest about sex can only bring good things into your relationship. If something new interests you, ask your partner about it. He or she may not have considered it before, and now you two can safely explore it together. It is important to feel both confident and comfortable in the bedroom, and this can only be achieved if both partners communicate their needs and desires.
3. R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship. However, there is no reason to disrespect your sigificant other simply because you are fighting. Here’s a tip I learned from my parents, who have been happily married for over 25 years (Hi Mom and Dad!): No matter how angry you are, it is never appropriate to curse at your partner. “I only said that because I was angry,” and, “It was in the heat of the moment,” are not valid excuses for disrespecting the person you love. If you are too upset to address an issue calmly and respectfully, then it is best to remove yourself from the situation in order to take time to collect your thoughts. This wil prevent both of you from saying hurtful things that do not reflect your true feelings. Remember, you cannot take back your words, so it is best to think before you speak. This applies to texting, as well. Once you send an angry, hateful text message to your SO, you cannot unsend it and they cannot unread it.
4. Maintain Your Individuality.
While the idea of two halves coming together sounds romantic, it is incredibly unrealistic. You are not half of a person, nor is your significant other. You are two whole people, and your relationship should be a reflection of that. Most of us are still discovering who we are in college, and so it is crucial to give yourself and your partner space to explore individual interests outside of the relationship. Speaking from personal experience, talking to your partner at the end of the day about all of the exciting things happening in your lives is much more rewarding than depending on your partner to fulfill your life. Codependence can not only lead to resentment, but also defeats the purpose of going to college to achieve your full potential on your own.
5. When In Doubt, Do a Cost-Benefit Analysis.
Bear in mind, I am a business major and my boyfriend is an economics major, so using economic tools to solve conflicts is pretty normal for us. However, you do not need to major in economics to utilize cost-benefit analysis when you and your partner have a disagreement. Essentially, when you are doing something that is making your partner unhappy or uncomfortable, you need to assess whether the happiness you acquire through this action is worth the level of discomfort your partner is experiencing. For example, imagine you are in a relationship, but you talk to your ex from time to time. This makes your current partner extremely uncomfortable. Given this information, you need to consider the importance of keeping your ex in your life. If your ex is not an important part of your life, then it would be wise to cut ties in order to focus your energy on your current relationship. However, if you truly believe that your ex is a vital part of your life and will respect your boundaries, then you can communicate this with your partner.
Cost benefit analysis also applies to situations in which you decide to do an activity that you may not enjoy, but it makes your partner very happy. For example, the minor annoyance I experience while watching my boyfriend play video games is worth seeing the smile on his face when I agree to watch him play video games while we hang out. Additionally, he recognizes that I am making a compromise, and in return, he sits through YouTube videos of Kristen Bell crying about a sloth because he knows it makes me laugh every single time I watch it.
So, next time you read an article about how romance is dead, consider the possibility that maybe we are just learning how to handle romance. As with learning anything, we are bound to make mistakes. Hopefully, this advice can help you find romance, because I promise you, it is very much alive and out there for those who want it.