You may have your good friends, your old friends, your new friends, your class friends, your going out friends, your “real” friends, and your frenemies, but do you have an ex-best friend? And, is your ex-best friend your saddest lost relationship? It is for me. At least with break-ups, there’s a definitive end-point: “we should see other people…it’s not you it’s me…I hate you…” what have you, but with friends becoming ex-friends or worse ex-best friends, it’s just a slow fade, a growing apart or a never resolved fight – at least that’s how it was for me. So, here’s my letter to you, my ex-best friend.
To you,
I must admit I’ve been through my fair share of friends and ex-friends. This is both sad and not sad. I’ve learned a lot about friendships this way but I’ve also learned not to hold on to tight or care too much and that’s how I lost you. I don’t like to seem clingy. I don’t like to text first. I don’t like rejection in any form and I always feel annoying. So, when you stopped putting in effort, I let it happen. I figured you were done with our friendship and our time was up. I thought a lot about calling you or texting you, just to reach out somehow, but never did. I want to blame my lack of Facebook activity as a reason for not keeping touch, but it was laziness on my part. You were nearly my sister for years and someone I could rely on no matter what and I hope you knew you could always rely on me.
Together we were unstoppable; you were one of the few people I put my full faith in and one of the most wonderful people I have ever and will ever know. We stood by each other through our toughest times in high school and came out stronger because of our loyalty to each other. You are also one of my biggest role models. You are vastly independent and never afraid to speak your mind. And, you definitely brought these qualities out in me, at a time when I desperately needed it. You have the biggest heart and work your hardest to achieve your goals and I have always admired that in you. You had a bigger influence on me than you know and I think now more than ever you’d be proud of who I became and who I am becoming, because of you.
During our friendship, there was a lot of turmoil for me socially and emotionally. High school is tough for everyone, I think, but you were always there. Basically living together, spending our after school activities together, sleepovers nearly every weekend, food and One Tree Hill marathons were essential to us. Being friends with you was an adventure everyday. Long drives blasting music and getting lost on the back roads of 5-town, road trips to Boston, coming in at all hours of the night laughing about whatever antics we had gotten into, attempting to fish and dancing in isolated parking lots. I never got bored with you, I never left feeling empty or unwanted in your presence and I hope you felt the same way about me. I knew whenever we were going to hang out that it was going to be a good day. It was going to be eventful; I was going to be happy. We made the best of every situation, and even on our worst days as individuals being together always seemed to make things better.
There is so much I took away from our friendship that I am thankful for every day, such as the loyalty of a true friendship, what it’s like to feel like family with someone who is not legally your family, how to stand up for myself, and how to forgive others who have hurt me. I regret not keeping in touch. I regret not trying harder. I regret not visiting, I regret not making every effort to see you when I could in those later years. I think of our friendship and see how much I’ve grown up and you’ve grown up and I wonder if we’d still be best friends now. And, I wish I didn’t have to wonder and I wish I just knew.
I am calling you my ex-best-friend now, and that doesn’t sit right in my stomach. But how should I describe you? You’re more than somebody that I used to know, but I feel the need to categorize you into this category that many people have fallen into throughout my life, the “ex-friend” category. I hate putting you there but I’m not sure what else to call you. We were best friends and now we don’t speak, and there is nothing I feel worse about.
Most of all, I’m sorry, you deserved better, and I miss you like crazy. “I know I said we could never be friends like before, but maybe we can be better.” – Brooke Davis (One Tree Hill).
Yours,Kourtney